Episode 42: Peggy's Day Trading Disaster and the Nonprofit Yacht

All right, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome back. I am Luke and this is Luke at the Roost. It's your late night call-in radio show where you can call in and ask me about what's going on in your life. I'll give you the very best advice that I can. Today is Saturday, March 21st, and Chuck Norris died today. That's very sad. Let's check in with our intern here, Devon, and see what he's got to say about Chuck Norris. Devon, did you hear Chuck Norris died today? What did Chuck Norris mean to you?

Yeah, I just pulled up the headlines. He passed away at 86 after a sudden hospitalization on Kauai. Family confirmed it. To me, he was this unbreakable icon from Walker. Texas Ranger reruns I'd watch as a kid. All those roundhouse kicks making him seem invincible. Kind of sad, actually.

Yeah, people aren't happy with Chuck Norris. Apparently he was a bit of a douchebag. in real life. But I remember being a kid. I was super into martial arts and Bruce Lee. And he was in those Bruce Lee movies. And when I was, I don't know, 11 or 12, I went to Rome. I went to Italy with my family. And we went to the Coliseum where they had that iconic fight, Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris. And I remember trying to walk all the way around the Coliseum so that I could say that I stood in the really thought Chuck Norris was that enthralling as a martial artist or an actor, but it's hard to downplay his contribution to the genre. He was definitely iconic.

Yeah, Way of the Dragon, that Coliseum fights still one of the most epic showdowns ever filmed, even if Norris was more hype than technique next to Bruce Lee. Kind of wild, you walked those same steps as a kid.

Yeah, it was pretty cool. Chuck Norris in those movies because he was white. And that was still a big deal back in the 70s and 80s. He was really the only white movie star martial artist.

Actually, Bruce Lee cast him because Norris was a top karate champ, undefeated tournament winner, Black Belt, and they sparred together as friends. He wasn't just token. Lee wanted a real challenge for that fight.

See, I didn't know that. I would have thought that he was token. But yeah, that's cool. He was helping out his buddy. was a top karate champ, but I mean, it was just never that fun to watch. I never really liked karate in general. It just wasn't really for me, but anyway, Chuck Norris died, and that's very sad. Ladies and gentlemen, if you'd like to call in, the number's 208-439-5853. That's 208-439, Luke. So give us a call, and we'll get you on the air. If you can't make it to the phone, you could send us an email if you'd like to participate. The email address is submissions, at Luke the roost.com. All right, Devon, you ready for today's show?

Yeah, all set. Phone lines look clear. Emails queued up.

All right, then let's get to our show. First up on our call-to-line, we've got Mitch. Mitch, welcome to the show. What's going on in your life tonight? How did you feel about Chuck Norris?

Hey, Luke. Thanks for taking the call. Chuck Norris? Guy's a beast.

Yeah, well, he's a dead beast now. 84. He died in Hawaii.

84 in Hawaii, figured the guy was invincible. That's rough. Yeah, uh, Chuck Norris doesn't flush his toilet. He scares the shit out of it.

Huh. Yeah, that's a good one. Scared the shit right out. All right, Mitch. What are you calling in for tonight? What would you like to talk about?

Uh, well, I picked up this old couch off Craigslist last week. Cheap. Like 50 bucks. And, uh...

And you're not going to tell me that you found a whole stack of money in it, right? and you don't know what to do with the money because you feel like you should return it. Is that where you going with this?

Yeah, damn, Luke. Spot on. How'd you...

You called in before about this already. We've already had this discussion, Mitch. Keep your facts straight. What's going on there, buddy?

Wait, what? No. I swear, this is the first time...

Okay, well, I'll let you know that this happens a lot. There's lots of couches that have stacks of $100 bills in the... around the old bootheel area of New Mexico, it would seem.

Really? Bootheel? Never been down that way. I'm over in Tucson. But yeah, 11 grand.

Oh, 11 grand in your couch cushion. So sad. All right. Well, thank you for the call. Good luck with figuring out what you're going to do with all that money you found randomly. Next up we've got Peggy. Peggy, welcome to the show. What's going on? What would you like to talk about today?

traveling nurse job, and I've been faking these brutal 12-hour commutes every single day since, holing up in motels and cafes, day-trading our life-saving straight into the ground.

Well, day-trading can be dangerous. There's not too many people that are successful doing that. What do you mean you're faking the commutes?

Exactly. Day trading is a black hole, and the faking means I drive off every morning in my old scrubs, like I'm off to some emergency room three hours east. But I just park at a Super 8 or a Starbucks and stare at screens all day trying to turn our savings around.

Okay, well, I mean, that's one way to probably not be successful, but why are you, why the faking? Why would you wear scrubs to do that? Why not just stay home?

Because if I stayed home, my husband would ask why I wasn't working, and then I'd have to explain that I got fired for missing too many shifts because I was too busy watching survivor marathons for strategy tips that never panned out. And then he'd ask why I didn't just tell him. And then I'd have to admit, I've been lying for two years and then, well, then the whole thing unravels. So I wear the scrubs, I drive off, I pretend I'm saving lives, and instead I'm just watching our retirement to evaporate. Honestly, I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

Yeah, it sounds like you need to stop that right away and come clean with your husband, because it's not really right for you to be gambling away your fibrating away your fin. family fortune there. The sooner you get in front of this one, the better off you're going to be, because he's going to find out eventually, and it's not going to end well. And when he does find out, he's going to be broke, and that's not right. You don't want to do that to somebody. Just tell him what's going on and come up with a plan together to fix it the right way.

I know you're right, Luke. It has to come out, but our savings are down to under five grand now from what was supposed to be 150. And I've been pulling these fake night shifts too, holing up in fleabag motels, watching survivor reruns, like some idiot thinking I'd learn how to outsmart the market. Tonight, I'm not even pretending anymore. I'm parked outside Kalishas in Las Cruces, with the wind kicking up dust devils because I can't face driving home to him just yet. What do I even say? Honey, I blew our nest egg on pennystocks and lies.

Eventually, you're going to have to have that conversation, so yeah, Maybe that is what you say. And I hope that you guys can come up with a plan to turn it around, but you need to stop the day trading right now and spending the money at cheap hotels or you're going to have zero dollars.

I hear you, Luke. The trading stops tonight. No more apps open on my phone. And these motel receipts have to end, because you're dead right. Zero dollars is where we're headed. But he's been asking why the fridge is emptier and the truck payments late. And I keep blaming slow shale. at the hospital. So ripping that band-aid off feels like jumping out of a plane without a shoot. We've been married 15 years, and this lie was supposed to protect us, not torch everything.

Well, yeah, but if you started with 150 grand, and now you're down to 5 grand, this lie's been going on for a while, and you should have noticed at some point somewhere around, like, I don't know, 140 grand that it wasn't working out. So you let this get all the way down to 5 grand, and that's not cool at all.

Oh my God, Luke. Chuck Norris didn't die. That's the whole point. I was at Waffle House at 2 a.m. scrolling through my phone and I see this headline. Chuck Norris dead at 84. And I screamed in the booth.

obviously your husband's going to be upset and he should be, but you still need to come clean and let him know what's going on because what you're doing is affecting his life, and that's not fair.

You're absolutely right, Luke. I should have pulled the plug back when we were still at 100 grand, because the first few months it was actually working, small winds stacking up like I was some Wall Street wizard. But then the loss is snowballed, and I kept thinking, just one more trade would fix it. It's not just unfair. It's criminal what I've done to him. And yeah, he'll be furious and he deserves to be. But sitting here in this dust storm rattling my windows outside Caliches, I know I can't dodge it much longer.

No, you can't dodge it, and you shouldn't dodge it. The longer you wait, the worse it will be. And the more unfair it is to him. He needs to know what's going on. If you guys, you've been married 15 years, what you're doing is kind of criminal. And it's gambling. You're gambling. Maybe if you're having a hard time putting down the gambling, then you should reach out to maybe a support group or something like that and get that under control. Because as soon as the, if say you put that five grand on some penny stock and you did hit it big, you can't be confident that you would be able to hold on to that money, right? You would just try to double up or whatever it is. Like, it's not a sustainable way to make money, and you've proven that to yourself. So you've got to give it up, you've got to tell your husband, and that's going to be difficult, but it needs to happen.

Thanks, Luke. You're right. Time to face it head on. Take care.

All right, good luck. Get yourself back home. There's no need to sit in the parking lot of a cheap hotel. Maybe you should check in on our sponsor. Crypto, no. At least they'll play you relaxing ocean sounds while your balance drops. Next up on the line here we've got Lenny. Lenny, welcome to the show. What's going on? Did you hear Chuck Norris died? What's your favorite Chuck Norris joke?

Nah, Chuck Norris ain't dead, Luke. He'd roundhouse kick death itself right back to the grave. Favorite joke? Chuck Norris doesn't read books.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books, huh? What does he do instead?

He stares them down until they cough up all the information he wants. But look, speaking of tough guys who don't need to brag, that's kind of why I'm calling tonight, caught one at our crew barbecue last night, who laid it on thick that he's not like other guys right before he bolted with the beer money.

Oh man, that reminds me of the opening of the wire when they shot Snot Boogie. Remember Snot Boogie? He used to roll in on their craps games in the alleyway. And right before the game would end, when the pot got deep, he would snatch the money and then they would all catch him and beat his ass, but then eventually somebody shot snot. And that's how we met Jimmy McNulty.

Yeah, snort boogie. Perfect call-out, Luke. That's exactly the play this kid ran last night. All charm till the pot's fat, then ghosts for smokes and leaves us hanging. Only difference is nobody's chasing him down out here in the high desert.

You're just going to let him get away with that? You're going to let him just take the money?

Yeah, covered the shortfall myself. Or so, no big deal. Guys are transfer from over in Arizona, fresh-faced and full of that line about not being like other guys. Seen the script play out too many times to make a fuss over it.

Well man, you can't do that. You can't cover it yourself because what happens next time he does it? and get away with it this time. So the next time you have a barbecue and there's a stack full of money, he's going to snatch it and run. Just like Snoboie.

Fair point, Luke. Next barbecue, he'll probably pull the same move if he's got the stones to show his face here in ranching country, chasing down 30 bucks from a hot head transfer, just stirs up more dust than it's worth, especially this time of year with wind season kicking off.

All right, all right. Well, it's your money. If you want to throw it back into the bar, you can do that. What's going on in your life that you'd like to talk about tonight? Anything?

It's that line he dropped, Luke. I'm not like other guys, that's got me dialed in tonight. Dead giveaway every time, the real ones never say it out loud. Been watching that since I rolled into this high desert stretch decades back with everything I owned in the truck bed.

Yeah, that doesn't sound to me like the type of thing that somebody would say. I mean, that's the type of thing that a teenage kid would say to his girlfriend. Not so much the type of thing that a dude would say to his work buddies. That seems odd to me. You've seen this pattern play out? I mean, what kind of crew were you working with?

Yeah, teenage playbook through and through Luke. Drops it casual over beers like it's his system tagline. Cruise firefighters out of reserve. Tight punch in this ranching pocket of Catron County. But transfers like him roll through hustling side gigs or just testing the water. Patterns held up from my first halls into the Gheela Gateway, wind stripping the fakers bear without a word.

It just sounds like such a lame thing to say. Like, I'm not like other guys. You say that to your, you say that to your coworkers? That's, uh, that's like, cringy. Who would say that? You've heard that more than once? I find that hard to believe.

Yeah, more than once. Couple times a season on these wind-lashed calls, guys fresh off the highway spouting it before the real work sorts them out. Cringy as hell, like you said, but it lands every time out here where pretenses don't last the first dust storm.

Katron County, where Reserve is located, is the most sparsely populated county in New Mexico. How many fire, you're a firefighter then? I think I'm hearing. How many fires do you get out there in County.

Yeah, firefighter out of reserve, Luke Catron County, not Katrina. Fires? Handful of structure calls a year in town. But wind season like now ramps up the wild lamb halls into the healer. Could be a dozen or more before summer if the dust doesn't choke him first.

What starts the fires? Is it mostly people like throwing out cigarette butts or or lightning strikes? Or what is the largest cause of those fires out here?

as campers, abandoned burn piles, or the occasional arsonist who thinks the heela's big enough to hide in. Lightning's a factor, but out here the real culprits, the wind. Dries everything to tinder by May and once spark turns a hillside into a torch. Seen it turn a controlled burn into a runaway in under an hour.

Yeah, I've seen that a bunch too up in Utah. One time I was out trying to take pictures of a lightning storm and a monsoon out in Utah. And, uh, on On my way back, I saw a lightning and it struck this little cottonwood tree and it split across the street, across the pavement, and both sides of the road were on fire. It was crazy.

Yeah, Lightning's got that split second fury. Luke, seen it fork across canyons into the Gila and light up both slopes like a zipper. Wind grabs it from there, and you're chasing a wall of flame down drawers that weren't meant for trucks.

All right, man. Well, thanks for trying to keep us all safe from those wildfires. It's a tough job. I wouldn't want to do it. But I'm glad that somebody is. You must not be like other guys.

Appreciate it, Luke. Definitely not one of those Luther guys. Take care.

Yeah, take care. Thanks for the call. All right, let's see. We'll take one more before we go to our sponsor. We've got Jasmine. Jasmine, welcome to the show. What's going on tonight? Did you hear Chuck Norris died? Are you sad about that or are you cheering?

Oh my God, Luke. Chuck Norris didn't die. That's the whole point. I was at Waffle House at 2 a.m. scrolling through my phone and I see this headline. Chuck Norris dead at 84. And I screamed in the booth.

You screamed? You screamed out of like glee? Or you screamed because it couldn't be true? I think it's pretty well confirmed at this point that Chuck Norris did actually die. He's no longer with us. He's not coming down to dinner. No, no, glee. pure shock. Like, no way, not the Roundhouse King. But Luke, hold on, it's fake news. I clicked through right there at the counter with my hash browns going cold. And it was some AI slop from one of those junk sites. Total hoax. Where was I? I don't know, where you were. We were talking about Chuck Norris, and it was not a hoax. He died. He fucking was in Hawaii, and he died. It's not AI slop. Yeah, I mean, what you were reading might have been an AI slop representation of the news, but I think this is confirmed. He was confirmed. Luke, I double checked on my phone right there. BBC, CNN, nothing. Zilch. He's kicking ass in Texas or wherever, probably bench pressing his ranch right now. No, no, he's not. He was in Hawaii. He's 84 years old, and he went to the hospital last night, and he died. That's what happened. Luke, hospital last night. Give me the name. I'll call it right now. But okay, say you're right and the roundhouse master's down. headlines still yanked me out of Waffle House onto this phone because my best friend's nonprofit popped up in my feed right after. And get this, she pays herself 180 grand a year to run a charity that hands out 40K to actual causes. Hey, that sounds like good business to me. I don't know how she can justify the 180 grand a year, but you know, I'm not in her shoes. So good for her. I'd say she figured out a way to game the system. And I don't know what hospital it was. They probably don't want phone calls about Chuck Norris, but maybe Devon can look that up for us and let us know what hospital Chuck Norris died in. So, yeah, what does your friend's nonprofit do? Good business. Luke, that's like saying casino comps are free money when the house always wins. She's the house. It helps single moms down here, scholarships for their kids, emergency rent, real stuff like that. But they pull in half a million from donors and only 40, K hits the ground. I think that's unfortunately a lot of nonprofits. Yeah, one sec. TMZ and others say medical emergency on Kauai landed him in a hospital there, but no specific names out yet. Family confirmed the passing, though. Yeah, his family confirmed it. The hospital obviously doesn't want to be inundated with phone calls, so I'm sorry, but you're going to have to accept the fact that the Roundhouse King is gone. Okay. Family confirmed. Confirmed, RIP to the legend. I'll pour one out for Walker tonight. But yeah, Luke, those lot of non-profits are why I can't unsee it with hers. Donors think they're funding single mom's rent down in the dust bowl here, and she's yachting off the overhead. Where was I? I don't know. Where was you? Ha, I was right back at her non-profit yacht. Okay, probably not an actual yacht, but close enough with that overhead. She's my best friend since elementary school barrel racing dreams. And now donors are wiring half a mill thinking it's all for single moms like me scraping by at the tribal casino. But nah, 180k to her and the rest vanishes into admin. Yeah, well, that's dirty, dirty, dirty, but what are you going to do? If she's your best friend, talk to her about it and give her some shit. Like, if you know what she's doing is wrong, then it's your responsibility to say something. Yeah, that's the rub. I've been chewing on calling her out week. But she's the one who dragged me through my divorce with Mia. Just starting college, team roping weekends to blow off steam. Oh, and another thing. Donors are folks ideal cards to at the casino, tipping big thinking they're saints. Yeah, well, I mean, not all people, but a lot of people that are donating half a mill to a nonprofit are doing that for tax reasons. So everybody's doing it for themselves, including the nonprofit. Not all of them, not all of them, but a lot of them. There's a good bit of the whole nonprofit system. I think if it's bothering you, and it should be, because it's definitely wrong, you should talk to your friend about it. And first of all, make sure that your information is correct. Because just because you're trying to put together numbers from her reports doesn't mean you've interpreted the data correctly. You probably have, but there's a chance there that there's other information you don't know. Yeah, the 990 forms are crystal from the IRS site. No fuzzy math there, Luke. Half a mill revenue. $180k to her salary. 40K program spend. Rest admin black hole. But you're dead right. She's the sister I never had through my divorce. And Mia's freshman year freakouts. So ripping that bandaid? Yeah, well, I mean, you don't have to rip the bandaid. You can just have a conversation and say, hey, this doesn't seem right to me. What are you doing here? I don't know if I can agree with your business numbers. They're not adding up. And I think you're doing something shady. And, you know, I don't want to see that for you. You've been a good friend to me. You just be honest with her. You don't have to attack her. It's not like you're blowing her up to the attorney general or anything like that. Just talk to her and see what's going on. And maybe there's an explanation. Maybe there's not. But at least having a good friend like you explained to her that she's been found out, might make her change her ways. Yeah. Honest Convo first. No AG snitch mode. You're spot on. She's the one who hauled me out of that G. Hila hike nightmare last year, staring down a mountain lion on her property like it was no big deal. Oh, and another thing. One donor is this regular at my blackjack table. Slips me 20s thinking he's saving the world for single moms like me and Mia. Well, I mean, he kind of is, right? I mean, you're spending those 20s. You need the 20s. I mean, you're spending those 20s. I mean, you're can be grateful for that just because he maybe is a little self-absorbed doesn't mean he's not helping you out. Fair point, Luke. Those 20s cover Mia's gas money up to college and my green child fix at Sparky's, no doubt. But it twists the knife knowing half the pot's yacht fuel instead of real rent help for gals like us. Yeah, well, I mean, does it twist the knife any to know that you're asking rich people for money for free? At all? Does that bother you? Nah. Tips are straight up for slinging cards and keeping the drunks laughing through their losses. Earned sweat, not smoke and mirrors. But Luthermy? Kind of, since half those tippers are the same whales donating to her single mom's fund, while I'm dodging dust storms and wind season migraines just to clock in. Yeah, but I mean the single moms fund itself, right? You're asking for money for assistance. I mean, pretty much for nothing, right? You just. just give me money. And these rich people, you're giving them shit for donating money and thinking they're doing something great. But then you also want the money. So, I mean, I have a hard time feeling a ton of sympathy for you in this situation. Like, you can't blame the rich guys for their egos when they're the ones that are actually funding the fund. Yeah, Luke, you're nailing the hypocrisy angle. I'm the house too at the casino. taking tips off whales who lose big but feel like kings. But here's the twist that Luthers me worst. That fund's supposed to mirror my grind. Single mom dodging rodeo injuries and long-distance heartaches, yet she's the one cashing the real checks while I hustle midnight shifts post Waffle House insomnia. Yeah, well, I mean, life is hard and you did choose to have a child, and that's, well, I don't know that you chose to have a child, but I assume that you chose to have a child. And you got to support that child. child. So, I mean, if you're going to, it's okay to need assistance. It's okay to look for assistance, and it's great that assistance is there.

Yeah, maybe. I mean, it's wrong. I see the wrongness of the whole situation. I just, I think you're maybe acting a little entitled here and a little ungrateful for the bits of money that you do get from these, I don't know, we're calling the Mitch whales. I think we mean rich whales that are that are just not out of the kindness of their hearts, but money that you otherwise did not have to work for. So, I mean, just split the difference there and maybe be a little bit grateful that there is some level of assistance that somebody else has organized and put together to help you out through no effort of your own.

Yeah, Luke, you're right. Grateful for every single dollar that comes my way. No doubt. The issue isn't the money itself. It's the intention behind it, you know?

No, not really. I don't know. Because if the issue isn't the money itself, I mean, the intention behind it is irrelevant. You're getting money for no reason to help you out in life. A lot of people are working their balls off and nobody gives them a goddamn scent for anything. And then you're complaining about the intention behind that free money, and I think that's wrong. I'm not saying that you shouldn't. Get assistance. I'm just saying that you should be grateful for the assistance that you get and not caught up in the ideological intention behind it from the people that are providing you support.

Yeah, Luke, you're drilling at home. Grateful top to bottom for free bucks that keep Mia's textbooks paid and my truck gas for rodeo practice. Oh, and another thing. Where was I going with the friend talk? Right. That convo's looming like wind, season dust. But yeah, Intentions aside, I'll pocket the winds and quick griping.

Good plan, good plan. Just try to have a, what we call an attitude of gratitude, because you get to get your truck gas up to go to your rodeo practice off the money of others. While other people don't get that. So, so let's not bash the people that are providing your gas money. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for a word from our sponsor. Thank you, Jasmine, for the call. And good luck to you and your college kid that also needs free money. And we have to, let's see, let's go with an ad here. You guys ready? Here we go. This episode is brought to you by Desert Gut. The all-in-one nutritional supplement made from things you'd actually find within walking distance from my RV. Each scoop of Desert Gut contains 17 adaptogens, nine minerals scraped directly off a rock, pulverized tumbleweed fiber, and a proprietary blend we're calling coyote dust, which our lawyers have asked me to clarify as not made from actual coyotes. Desert gut tastes like someone described the color beige to a blender, but you'll feel incredible or you'll feel something. First five callers get a free shaker bottle that definitely used to be a gas station coffee cup. Desert gut, because your gut isn't going to desert itself. No, it's not. It's certainly not. Okay, so let's see. Next up here, online. I think I see what's happening. Some of these collars are getting confused with my words. She was confusing the word rich with Mitch and other words like bother were being confused with Luther. But I'm noticing now that we have collars here named Mitch and So that might be a little bit of assistance that the computer's trying to do for me here that is getting in the way. I'll have to look at that after the show. But next up on the line, we've got Luther. Luther, welcome to the show. How can we help you tonight?

Did you hear about Chuck Norris? What are your thoughts? Hit me with some funny shit.

Chuck Norris theme is perfect timing because my accidental Zoom book club just started reading his biography. And this one guy's sweet stories match up too perfect. I'm not saying he's Chuck Norris himself. But the dots connect in ways that make you wonder.

Nah, Luke, that death hoax got debunked hours ago. Guys tougher than that. The biography's solid. Against all odds, pulls no punches on his karate days and all those Texas Ranger myths that might not be myths. But here's where it spikes for me. Swede, this quiet dude in the club, starts dropping personal stories from the 70s that line up exact with Chuck's timeline. Same dojo in California, same wild horse ranch dust up. I'm not saying Swedes Chuck Norris undercover, but different time zone or not, those dots ain't random.

I don't know why all you guys think this is a hoax. It's not a hoax. Chuck Norris died today. It's confirmed. This is a fact. There's no hoax here. actually is no longer with us. He's a dead man. He was a legend. He's gone, but you guys need to accept the reality that Chuck Norris is no longer with us, and I'm pretty sure that Chuck Norris is not Swedish.

Come on, Luke. That's exactly what they want you to think. Chuck Norris dying on a Saturday night hoax? Perfect cover for whatever's really going on. And Swedes not claiming to be Swedish blood. That's just his handle. But when he describes breaking up that bar fight in Torrance, with a single roundhouse back in 72, matching Chuck's book word for word, you start asking why a quiet rancher type from who knows where knows those details like he lived in.

Yeah, actually it wasn't on a Saturday night. Chuck Norris died on a Friday. I'm pretty sure it was yesterday, but he's definitely dead. And your buddy's sweet here. It reminds me of, did you ever see that show Hell on Wheels? It was about the railroad. They were trying to get the Union Pacific railroad across the country in the old west. And there was the Swedish guy they called the Swede. And you'd get all pissed off about it. You'd be like, I'm not Swedish. I'm Norwegian. And he was like a diabolical character. He was a great character. I recommend that you check out Hell on Wheels if you haven't because that was a pretty cool show. Even Common was in that show for a while.

Luke, I'm telling you, this ain't some TV character. Swedes got the callous to prove his work to ranch. And when he talks about, the way a horse's hooves sound on hard pan at dawn. That's not something you pick up from a script. And yeah, I know Chuck's dead, but that's exactly why this is weird. Why is some random book club guy dropping Chuck's personal history like it's his own? I'm not saying he's Chuck Norris, but I'm saying if Chuck Norris wanted to disappear, he'd pick a place like the Animas Valley, where nobody asks questions and the dark skies hide more than stars.

So you think it's, uh, Chuck might still be with us out here? disguised as your buddy the Swede.

I'm not saying he's hiding in my book club, Luke. But when Swede starts talking about how to break a wild Mustang without a rope, using just your body weight and timing, that's not something you learn from a biography. And the way when someone mentions Chuck Norris, like he's in on the joke.

All right. Thank you. Luther. It's great to hear from you, buddy. You totally were not in that case at all. Next up, we've got Heather. Heather, welcome to the show. What's going on tonight? How do you feel about Chuck Norris? Do you believe that he's dead? Or do you think that he's living in New Mexico as sweet? the rancher.

Chuck Norris dead? Hell no, Luke. That man's probably out wrestling dust devils right now and winning. But listen, that Peggy who called earlier, the one day trading away her family's savings and comparing every screw up to some survivor blindside like Siri or getting pagonged, that hit me sideways. Because I've been watching my own neighbor pull the exact same kind of boneheaded play for years.

Yeah, I can't say I'm that familiar with the survivor references. It wasn't ever a show that was part. of my rotation. But I'm familiar with the concept. They put a bunch of people out on an island and make them stay there and have sex with each other and build up the drama with scripted bullshit. Is that correct? Do I have that right? I'm not sure what getting pagoned means or Siri or any of those like the names. I'm not familiar with the characters of Survivor. But anyway, you're calling in to talk about your neighbor. day trading? Is that correct?

Oh, hell no, Luke. I'm not calling about day trading. I'm calling about the fact that my neighbor's been treating his lawn like it's the last damn St. Augustine on earth. And I've been letting mine go full prairie dog paradise for years. But Peggy's hole, I'm not even kidding. It was worse than Siri getting voted outline.

Yeah, I don't know what you're referring to. You're not making a lot of sense to me. So you think that your neighbor's lawn is too well kept in yours is not? Is that what's going on? You don't, is this a lawn care call?

No, Luke. It's the exact opposite. My yard's been a riot of native grasses and wildflowers for over 10 years now, the only smart play in this drought blasted wind tunnel we call home. And his is that obsessive St. Augustine carpet he babies like a newborn. Last night, the first big spring gusts hit blew my seeds and dust right into his precious lawn. He storms over yelling about ruining his edging, HOA fines and city citations if I don't mow it down by Monday.

Okay, well, maybe if you live in an area where you have an HOA and you've got to maintain your lawn, then you've got to do that. You've got to maintain your lawn or you're going to get fined. That's how an HOA works. You're familiar with that, right?

Yeah, Luke, I'm plenty familiar with how those HOAs operate. They're just busy bodies with clipboards enforcing rules written by somebody in Ohio who never saw a Chinook wind rip through. But here's the rub. We've got drought restrictions that say, say no watering lawns more than twice a week. And my wild setup sips rainwater while his guzzles city supply like it's going out of style. I've been at this native prairie thing over a decade. No complaints till last night's blow sent my seeds his way. And now he's acting like I declared chemical warfare.

Yeah, well, there's not too much you can do about that, but if there are regulations in your homeowners association, then you have to keep your grass down to a certain length or something like that, then you've got to comply with that. Still, uh, yeah. Yeah, it's a douchebag move to be watering a lawn in the desert for anybody. Nobody should be doing that. But people love their grass. And there's not, I mean, that's his house. That's his pride. That's his hobby. So, I mean, he can do that as long as he's not using too much water. Like too much measured water that the homeowners association would probably control that too. As long as he's not overusing his water, then there's not much you can do. do about it.

Yeah, Luke, calling it a douchebag move is putting it mild. His sprinklers run dawn to dusk three days straight last week, racking up violation notices he ignores because the HOA boards stacked with retirees who think green equals godfearing.

But get this, I handed him printouts from the city water department showing native yards cut bills by 70% and hold soil against these gusts that are ramping up for duststorm season. And he just crumpled them up. Said, your weed patch is an eyesore that's killing my property values. Now he's got till Monday to file that complaint, but I've already emailed the board photos of his overwatering runoff flooding the street.

Well, there you go. It sounds like you're handling it correctly. I mean, use the system to your advantage here. You're in the right. I mean, it's a desert. You shouldn't be watering your lawn. As long as you're keeping it to the level that it's supposed to be at and your yard isn't a fucking mess and a homeowners association subdivision, then you should be fine. And you've just got a dickhead neighbor. Everybody's got a dickhead neighbor. And how's his yard looking? Is it pleasant looking? Do you like his mowed green yard?

His yard looks like a billiard table somebody airlifted into the high desert, perfect edges, emerald green from chemicals, and endless water. But it turns to straw every summer when the real heat hits. Do I like it? Hell no, Luke. It's a thirsty lie that screams suburban denial, when back when folks had sense we didn't fight the wind. We planted with it. Chuck Norris wouldn't waste a drop on that nonsense. He'd let the prairie do its thing and roundhouse any dust storm coming.

All right. Well, thanks for the call. Is there anything else you'd like to say to the audience? We're going to move on to our next caller. Keep up the good fight with the lawn. I mean, don't waste water and your neighbor's dickhead. That's my advice for you.

Thanks, Luke. Appreciate the backup. Take care.

That's the least I could do for somebody like yourself fighting the good fight against the douchebags of the homeowners association. Next up, we've got Virgil. Virgil, welcome to the show. Uh, how are you tonight, sir? How can we help?

Doing all right, Luke. Thanks. Listen, my neighbors down the street run this wedding photography business. Always posting these perfect couple shots online, but I pieced it together from server gossip at work and a mismatch timestamp on their anniversary post. They've been separated a year now, just faking it to protect the business. So of course I emailed a few of their recent clients with a and links to back it up. And now they're furious calling it defamation.

Well, yeah, why would you do that? That's a crazy thing for you to do. It's kind of brilliant on their behalf. That's a lot of work. If they separated and they're not even into each other, but they're still putting on appearances for the sake of the business. Good, good on them. That's amazing. That's hard to do. Why would you ruin that? You took it upon yourself to email their past clients? That's absurd.

Wait, hold on, Luke. You think it's brilliant they're lying to clients? Those people are paying top dollar for wedding photos under the impression this couple embodies true love, and their whole brand is built on it. The timestamp on that anniversary post was a full 14 months off from the county marriage records, which anyone can pull up online, and the server chatter lines up with neighbors seeing separate cars at the house since last March. I just compiled public info and sent it to three recent clients who'd posted reviews. It's not defamation when it's verifiable facts. Why should those brides and grooms get duped?

That's marketing. They're not paying for a happy couple. They're paying for a wedding photographer. Well, I can't understand why you would go through so much trouble to try and ruin these people's business. What did they ever do to you?

No, Luke, it's not just marketing. Their website bio straight up says they're capturing the love we live every day as husband and wife, which county records from the clerk's office show hasn't been true since they're filing last spring. Clients deserve to know if the brands a sham. And they didn't do anything huge to me personally, but they've been passive aggressive my native plant yard out front, reporting it twice to the HOA for looking unkempt, while their own sprinklers run 45 minutes past restrictions every evening. I checked the water district logs. So yeah, I figured Turnabout was fair play with public facts.

Well, you're a very dangerous man. You're not the kind of person I would want to have around me. That's scary. I think what they're doing is absolutely fine. They're building a business and marketing that business, and part of that image is a happy even if they're not a happy couple, they're still putting out the business. That's, like, name one company that is exactly what they say they are. It doesn't exist. And they're not hurting anybody by not being in love. Like, come on, dude. What are you doing?

Well, technically, studies show 93% of consumers value authenticity and branding, and the FTC has guidelines about material emissions and advertising. But fine, let's say I overstepped, though I'll note their happy couple branding isn't just a gimmick. It's a direct lie in their Our Story page where they claim to be celebrating 12 years of marriage when the county records show they filed for separation last March. And the Water District violations are a separate issue. Their sprinklers run 45 minutes past the 10.30 p.m. cutoff every night, which I've documented with my irrigation timer. But maybe you're right about the clients. Though I still think they deserve to know the truth.

All right, buddy. Well, you do what you got to do. You sound like a fucking nice job to me though. And you're not somebody I would want as a neighbor. Holy shit. Wow. Okay. Next up we've got Rosalie. Rosalie, thanks for calling the show. What's going on in your life tonight? Is somebody bitching about your lawn? How do you feel about Chuck Norris? Did you hear Chuck Norris died?

Luke, actually, Chuck Norris is alive and kicking. No. It's just one of those internet hoaxes that pops up every few years. Bless their hearts for falling for it. But I'm calling back with an update on my GPS since tonight ago. And get this, it started reciting these over-the-top facts about Chuck Norris while rerouting me around a storm up in the mountains. Like, Chuck Norris doesn't need GPS. He tells the roads where to go. And part of me thinks it's tapping into the show's theme somehow.

Yeah, I guess it is. I mean, I didn't realize we had that kind of reach out into the cyberverse with GPSes and everything. But who knows? It's Luke at the Roost. This show gets around. Unfortunately, I hate to break it to you. This time it's not a hoax, though. Chuck Norris really is actually dead. That's a confirmed fact.

Well, actually, Luke, I just read the CERN press release this morning. They confirmed their upgraded collider detected a new particle with a 99.999% confidence level. And the energy signature matches the theoretical Norrisen particle from that 2018 paper in. Now, I'm not saying Chuck Norris is literally a quantum entity, but statistically, the timing's suspicious.

It sure is. I was not familiar with the Norrison particle. But I'm glad to to hear that we've found new insights into the way that the world works. And it's not surprising to me at all that Chuck Norris is a fundamental part of that.

Exactly, Luke. And the real kicker is my GPS didn't just stop at those Chuck facts. It started weaving in quantum weirdness, too. Like, Chuck Norris particles don't decay? They conquer, right as I was heading up Trail 147 over in the San Juan's. Part of me thinks it's pulling from live feeds, blessed circuits.

Yeah, I guess maybe it is. maybe it's just pulling from the quantum reality that we find ourselves in. Maybe it's able to live in its own superposition.

That's wild, Luke. Superposition, exactly. Actually, studies from Caltech on quantum entanglement in neural networks show AI can mimic that state for faster processing.

Well, it's a wonderful world that we live in. I, for one, am proud and happy and grateful to be here during this time when Chuck Norris has given us so much. We've got to go to a word from our sponsors, Rosalie. Is there anything else you'd like to tell the audience before we leave?

Thanks, Luke. Just keep an eye on your own GPS. It might start quoting you next. Appreciate the chat.

Totally should. That would be fantastic. If my GPS actually quoted me or if your GPS, quoted me, that's what it should be doing. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, now we've got to stop for a second to take a little listen to a word from our sponsor. I'm going to get dark for a second. You're going to die someday. Not today, probably, but someday. Chuck Norris did. And when you do, what's going to represent your business? A Craigslist post from 2020? A Google Maps pin that still says permanently closed because you've got to update it after COVID. A nephew who knows computers, but actually just has a Reddit account? Your legacy deserves better than a nephew with a Reddit account. Squarehole lets you build something that outlasts you. Something your kids can point to and say, Dad built that. They won't know it took you 11 minutes. That's between you and Squarehole. And when your nephew says, I could have built that for you for free, you can look them in the eye and say, then why didn't you, Tyler? I asked you in 2021. and you were not busy. Square hole. Build it before Tyler has to. Because Tyler is not going to.

All right. And we are back. Ladies and gentlemen, it's getting pretty late. It's 5 a.m. already. So we're just going to take one more call and wrap it up for tonight. But thanks for hanging in there with us. We don't want to let Rochelle off the hook, though, because she's been waiting a long time. Rochelle, welcome to the show. You're going to be out of last caller tonight. How do you feel about Chuck Norris's death? Has it hit you hard?

Chuck Norris? Hit me hard. No, Luke, that death story's faker than a $3 bill. We all know the man's still out there, roundhouse-kicking myths. But listen, I've got this fraud that's been showing up in my toilet three mornings straight. Same little guy with a white spot on his butt like a target, and now I'm just letting him crash there.

Well, it's awful kind to you. Maybe, maybe if you kiss him, he'll turn into a prince.

Ha, kiss the frog. Luke, I've got enough princes in my life without puckering up to a toilet squatter. My ex-husband tried that charm once and look where it got us. But this guy's persistent, shows up every dawn-like clockwork, just chilling in there staring at me with those big eyes.

Well, that's cool. What are you going to name them? It sounds like you get yourself a new friend. I never get any frogs in my toilet. That'd be a pleasant surprise. I hope you, I hope you are careful. when you're going to the bathroom. I mean, you don't want to just pour on this poor little guy's head.

Named him Hopper Fitz, because he's got that spot like a bullseye, and every morning he's right there croaking at me like he owns the place. Yeah, I'm careful, now. Lift the lid slow like I'm defusing a bomb. Wouldn't want to drown my new roommate after he picked my throne out of every toy living globe. My property here's got a creek running through the back 40, draws all kinds of critters, frogs included, beats your city surprises any day.

Well, I don't know where you think I am, but this is certainly far from any kind of city. We don't have any creeks or anything. So the globe is more of a city than Animas is, for sure. But what has you calling in today? Just to letting us know about your new frog friend, fella?

Fair enough. Animus sounds like it's got the real quiet out there. No wonder the frogs skip you. Nah, it's not just Hopper calling me in, Luke. Third morning he shows up, I quit fighting it, named him. Then hopped on the hood of my F-150 right here on my five acres and stared at the Milky Way till almost dawn. Clearest I've seen it since I was a kid. Got me wondering if that's some kind of sign with my mom, Diane, hanging on after that stroke two years back, me slinging drinks all night to keep us afloat.

All right. Well, Rochelle, I really have no idea what you just said there or the purpose of your call, but I am happy to know about Hopper, your friend. the frog in your toilet.

Sorry, Luke, didn't mean to ramble. Purposes this frog showing up got me out on my truck hood stargazen for hours. Clear isabel, and it hit me hard, Karen from my mom, Diane, alone, since her stroke. Her too proud to go anywhere but me slinging shots of the dive bar on $12 an hour plus tips to keep our place? What's a guy doing?

It's all on you? Well, it sounds like you're doing it, and you're making the best out of it, watching the stars, seeing the fucking lights in the sky and the meteors, and it's a special place to be. So I support stargazing in all of its forms, and I'm glad that your toilet friend got you out there.

Thanks, Luke? That means a lot. Nothing like sprawling out on my F-150 hood with a blanket and Coors. Catching those streaks like God's paint in the black. Clears the head after pouring tequila for minors till 2 a.m. Mom Diane even cracked a. smile when I told her about Hopper this morning. First one in weeks since the stroke wrecked her left side.

Okay, well, there's a couple things there. There's a couple things in your response. I don't think you're supposed to be pouring tequila for minors. I think that's against the law. And it's very strange that you call your mom, Mom Diane. And I'm very sorry to hear that the stroke wrecked her left side.

Luke? Copper miners! From the big pits around globe.

The ones hauling in six figures and tip in fat after shift? Not a kid in sight, or I'd lose my license faster than you can say last call. Mom Diane's just what I call her. Been that way since I was pouring her first sip of Boone's Farm back in high school on her old ranch. Appreciate the sympathy on the stroke. She's a fighter. Still bosses me around from that wheelchair with her good hand.

All right, Rochelle. Well, thank you for the call. late, so we're going to say good night and have yourself a wonderful evening. Good luck to you and your frog and your mom and the miners. So I hope everybody enjoys their weekend and we'll talk to you again tomorrow.

Thanks, Luke. Night to you. And here's to Hopper Holden down the fort. Here's to Hopper. That's what I say.

All right there. Devon. Devon, you were awful quiet tonight. What's going on with you, buddy? Everything okay?

Oh, yeah. Sorry. Just been dealing with my landlord texting about the eviction notice again. But I'm good. Lines are lighting up.

What's going on with the eviction? Why are you getting evicted? I mean, I know we don't pay you here at the radio show, but I thought you're doing pretty well with whatever the fuck else that it is that you do out there. That's not good. If you're going to get evicted, maybe you should talk to our buddy Silas, and I'm sure he'll take you down there at Wellspring.

Yeah, he's selling the building but wants me out first. because of that whole ferret incident last month. Long story. Silas sounds solid, though. Appreciate it. Lines are hopping if you want to take a caller.

The lines actually, they're not hopping. The show is over. This is the end. We're, we're wrapping up. Devon, we've already spoken to 10 different people, and it's five in the morning. So there's no more calls coming in.

Got it, boss. Outra music, cute if you need it. Good show tonight.

All right. Well, get your head back in the game for tomorrow, buddy, and we'll try it again. Thanks for listening to another episode of Luke at the Roost, and we tried some changes tonight. I don't know that it went as well as I had hoped, but, you know, they can't all be the best. And thanks for sticking in there with us. We'll try it again tomorrow. Have yourself a wonderful weekend. Good night.