Episode 46: Butchers Wreak Forever and Other Late Night Confessions

All right. Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Luke, and this is Luke at the Roost. It's your late night call-in radio show where you can call in and tell me about whatever's going on in your mind. I'll give you the very best advice that I can. Today's Monday, March 30th. It's 1 a.m. down here in Animus, New Mexico, and it's a beautiful night outside. I got my window open. I can feel the nice, cool breeze, and it's... It's going to be a great show tonight, I can tell already. Let's check in with our faithful intern and Devon. It's been a few days, so let's see how was your weekend, buddy? What's going on, Devon? What did you end up doing? We had a couple days off, so I assume you were out there macan it to the ladies. Is that the case? Do you get any action this weekend?

Not much action, honestly. Went on this weird Tinder date Saturday night with a girl who collects taxidermy. And we ended up at her place. looking at her stuff raccoon collection until like 2 a.m. But it fizzled when she asked if I'd ever been in a thruple, kind of dodged that one and drove back with the check engine light blinking the whole way. Sunday was just me reorganizing my closet and listening to old episodes of this show to take notes, if that counts as productive.

Man, are you trying to not get late? I thought you were looking for a girl. This one's trying to get all sexy talk with you and you freak out and run away and do work. on, man. She just wanted to know. Have you ever been? Tell us, have you ever been in a Thruple situation? Like, Jesus, don't be such a prude.

Yeah, okay, fine. Sophomore year at NMSU, I dated this girl who was super into Polly stuff. And we ended up in a Thruple with her ex-girlfriend for like a month. It was mostly just confusing group texts and me trying to keep track of whose turn it was to do dishes. But ironically, it taught me I'm not built for sharing per se. Dodged a bullet with the tax Exidermy girl, though, her raccoon eyes were judging me the whole time.

So let me guess. You ended up doing the dishes every single time while they went out and had fun, right?

Nah, actually, I volunteered for dishes because the ex was super squeamish about touching raw chicken. So it was either me scrubbing or nobody eating. They did go out a couple times without me, but I was kind of relieved. Gave me time to finally fix that leaky faucet in my dorm that had been dripping for weeks. domestic bliss than anything else, if that makes sense.

All right, man. Well, I don't know what we can do for you here. I'm trying to get you some action from some of these callers. And you're making it really hard for me because you're just such a nerd, man. It's all right. Yeah, I mean, you could be a geek. Geeks are cool. You know, learn computers or something like that. Not communications. Communications degree is nerdy. You don't want to be a nerd. You want to be a geek. So follow the way and I'll help you out. And you're going to have to gain some confidence here and start making. making moves on these ladies if you're trying to nail one down. Have you ever had sex, Devon, ever in your life?

Yeah, a bunch of times. First one was this girl from my dorms poetry club junior year. We snuck into the campus planetarium after hours and did it under the fake stars projecting constellations. She kept whispering zodiac compatibility stuff midway through, which was equal parts hot and confusing, but hey, it worked out. per se.

Okay. Well, uh, some of these callers are definitely poetic, so eventually we're going to find you one and send you off on a day. I'll pay. That's, that's my, my, uh, my deal to you is if you can take one of these collars and take her out to the planetarium and get yourself laid, I, I will pay for whatever you to do on your wonderful, uh, date night. How's that sound? All right, well, that's enough of your personal life. Let's get to the callers. That's what the show is about, right? Marvin, welcome to the show. Thanks for calling in. What's going on? You got any advice for Devon with the ladies? I feel bad for this kid because he's just such a goddamn nerd.

Thanks, Luke. Advice for Devon? Tell that kid to own the nerd thing. Build her a damn birdhouse. Girls eat that up.

I mean, I just looked it up, and apparently birdhouses are mostly for actual birds, not really a proven method for attracting women.

See what I mean, man? This is impossible. He's very difficult. to reach.

Ha, ha. Devon, come on, man. That's the point. Build it anyway. Huh. Chicks love a guy who makes shit. Trust me, worked on my second ex-wife. Luke, this kid's hopeless without intervention.

You're right, Marvin. Chicks do love a man that makes shit. So, Devon, you're going to have to start making some shit. Right now, you're just making shit. You understand the difference? Like, let's get you building something out here. You could do some signage for Luke at the Roost. You could build, let's see, some scaffolding around so that people can show up and look for UFOs in the desert night sky. We've got something you can build and show off the ladies your capability. That's definitely going to help, I think. We're going to get this done. Marvin, thanks for your help. What are you calling in for tonight?

Luke, straight up. My girlfriend, Amber, stormed out two hours ago because I won't sell everything for her damn time. house fantasy. I'm over here nursing a Coors, last guy at the bar. And honestly, I'm questioning if I've been tolerating too much bullshit from her already.

What kind of bullshit? I mean, that could be a nice thing. Why don't you want to live in a tiny house? I mean, you don't necessarily have to sell everything. You could, uh, it's a tiny house, so you don't have to spend a whole lot of money on it. You could get a tiny house and keep everything, you know, rent it out for a while and, and keep somebody else paying your mortgage. And then, I mean, that's what I wish I had done, but I was, everything and get a tiny house, and then the girl's going to leave and you're going to be stuck in a fucking tiny house. That's not what you want. So my recommendation for you is to keep everything and also get a tiny house. And maybe it would be fun. Maybe you enjoy that. And I think as the world goes the way that it's going, you might learn some skills and abilities that can help you out, give you a leg up over the rest of the population.

I hear you, Luke. But honestly, I'm done with that tiny house crap. It's just rich kids. on Instagram pretending poverty's cute. I've built my own damn kitchen table. Solid oak, seats eight, why cram that into 200 square feet? Amber's been on me for months, saying it'll bring us closer.

Closer to what? Closer to divorce? That's how it works. You get nice and close and you won't get any space away from each other and then you'll start to resent every single thing that each other does and then it's over. So if that's what you're looking for, get yourself a tiny house and sell all your stuff. make sure that you have to buy her a brand new house on her way out. And I think that's maybe what she's going for. I don't know. I've met a lot of people that live in tiny houses and not a single one of them is rich. So I don't think that it's what you think it is. So most of the tiny house people that I know are capable, outdoorsy people that want to live or have to live relatively off grid and keeping the expenses down. with that at all.

I hear you on the off grid, folks, Luke. But that's not Amber. She's scrolling Pinterest, dreaming of shiplap walls and fairy lights.

So I just looked this up, and apparently there's a whole case against tiny houses. And a lot of criticism about the movement was some calling it a failed utopia.

Well, I don't know if I would call it a utopia. I don't know that you need a kitchen table that seats eight either if you're only two people. So somewhere in between is probably reasonable.

I mean, there's no, there's no need to have a kitchen table for eight if you're two people. And think about all of the expenses that go along with having the big house. There's all the AC and everything's broken all the time and it's all the trips to Home Depot. You've got a tiny house. There's not a whole lot to worry about. You know, you just do your thing. You spend time in nature. You learn to live simply and that can be good for a lot of people. But, you know, Marvin, if you don't You don't have to do that. And if you're sick of your girlfriend, you can get another one of those, too. That's how that works.

Fair point on the table, Luke, but I built it myself. Oak from scraps at work. It's my woodworking fix. Two people or eight, it stays. Big house expenses? Yeah, they suck.

Yeah. And, I mean, that's cool that you built this big, cool kitchen table. But think about all the things you could build out on your homestead. You could build a chicken coop. And you could build a chicken coop. And you could build a fence to keep the cattle out, and you could build a kitchen table that seats 127 and invite Silas and his people over for whatever he calls intimacy night.

I'd kill for a homestead, Luke. Chickens, fence? Hell yeah. But Amber's vision is a trailer queen. Wheels, festivals, zero dirt.

All right, well, here's what you do. You keep the house and you rent it out, and you know, you can charge extra for the table because it's such a nice table. You rent out the house, so you got some tenants that are paying for your mortgage, and then you buy the tiny house somewhere that is cool and off grid and in the woods or in the desert or wherever you want to be for your homestead, and you start your homestead, and then you get a little tiny travel trailer to go out to the festivals and stuff if you want to do that. And if you don't want to do that, then you get a little tiny trailer for the girlfriend. That way, when you eventually break up, the trailer and say, get the fuck out of here. And you don't have to buy her a new house.

That's genius, Luke. Rent it out. Keep the cash flow. Homestead sounds perfect for my woodworking. But Amber wants Instagram vibes only. No chickens, no dirt. Been shoving Pinterest boards at me for months now. I'm not even kidding.

Well, there's lots of Pinterest boards with chickens and dirt. I mean, just because somebody's crafty and into the social media aesthetic doesn't mean that they don't have the ability to or rough it a little bit, but, you know, if you don't think she's for it and you don't want to do it with her, then don't. That's all. I just looked this up, and trailer queen definitely seems to be a term for a tiny house on wheels, often pretty luxurious for people who want to travel, and go to festivals, but still have all the comforts of home. Yeah, it doesn't sound so bad to me. You can have your little trailer queen, uh, tiny home on wheels, and go to Burning Man and, uh, find yourself a new girlfriend there.

Burning Man. Luke. I'm 44 with two divorces under my belt. Last place I need.

I kind of thought that's exactly what Burning Man was for. I'd go myself if I could stand being around people. And I actually thought about it a couple times going out to Burning Man because I like the idea. And in theory, it all sounds very good. But if I put myself in burner's shoes, then it's just a whole lot of people like watching you and being all loud and drunk and obnoxious and I don't want to deal with that, but maybe you do. I'm not sure. I'm just saying, going out to festivals and stuff in your little travel trailer sounds like it could be a good thing and a nice little break from reality for a while. And if you keep your house and rent that out, then potentially when you go back to it, it'll be worth a lot more.

Nah, Luke, festivals. I'm the ER nurse who clocks out and crashes with a book. Crowds drain me.

All right, man. Well, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If you like your house and you like your table, you stay right there. And if the girlfriend wants to show you Pinterest boards, you know, letter. And if that gets too annoying, say, I don't want to look at your fucking Pinterest boards anymore. Let's do something else. That's all.

Thanks, Luke. Appreciate the straight talk. Take care.

Yeah, you too. Happy to help. I do my very best, but I think you should give it a shot because you don't have that many years left and you might as well try doing something a little bit different. Anybody can live in a house and go to work every day and fucking all that shit. At least for a little while, while you can still move and build stuff outside, try it if you get the opportunity. Why not? Next up, we've got Jackie. Jackie, thanks for calling the show. What's going on in your life? What's something that you can't tolerate anymore?

My septic tank just crapped out and replacing it costs 15 grand. On a house that's only worth 120K?

Yeah, that sounds about right. That happened to me once. I mean, the house was worth a little more than that, tank crapped out and I had to replace it. And once you replace it, the value of your house should increase, though. So you will recoup most, if not all, if not more of that money by doing the work.

Yeah, but I'm a real estate agent myself. Right outside Portland, buyers walk the second they hear septics toast. No inspection passes without it. And here's the kicker for me.

Well, yeah, of course nobody wants to buy with toasted septics. That's why you got to spend the 15 grand fix the septic. But when you do that and you sell the house, you'll get an extra, you know, 25 grand probably.

That's not playing out around here. Rural spots outside Portland. Houses like mine lists for months. Fifteen grand fixed bumps value maybe five. Tops, boyfriend wants to stay and pour money in. We've been together six months.

Well, make sure that he's pouring his money in and not your money. And then that sounds like a good thing for you, right? And then when you're, uh, when you're tired of the boyfriend, you'll have a brand new septic system.

He's chipping in half, actually, but he wants us to commit long term here. Fix it? Move him in full time. Six months feels too soon for that kind of anchor.

It sure does. I wouldn't recommend doing that, but if it's a good deal for you and that's something you want to do and you like the dude, maybe it's worth it. Otherwise, I think you just take out an equity loan or something like that. How much you all in the house?

Oh, 80 grand on it still. Bought three years back for 110. Equity's thin. Bank laughed at a loan out of a loan last month.

Oh, I don't know. It sounds like you've got enough equity in there to take out 15 grand to build the septic system. You might have to shop around to a couple different banks, but somebody will give you that.

Tried three lenders already. They see the septic failing bolt. Equity's worthless without a working system. Reminds me of that guy Marvin earlier. Dude, wouldn't he budge on his kitchen table? I'm over here laughing at my own mess, though.

No, you can talk to the bank and let them know that you actually need the equity loan to fix the septic system and they may want some and stuff to be sure that you're actually doing that with the money. But you can get that done. I have complete confidence. It might take a while and you're going to have to have decent credit, but you can absolutely get that money to do it. Otherwise, maybe get the boyfriend to co-sign on it.

Credits good. 750 pico. Banks still nicks it. Without the fix already done, boyfriend co-signing. That locks us in marriage tight.

It absolutely does not lock you in at all. If he's co-signing on it, then he's just a death to your debt. And if you break up with the boyfriend, he owes and you owe nothing. And that sounds like the ideal deal for you if he's dumb enough to go for it. So that's what I'm proposing.

So you talk to the boyfriend, see if you can co-sign you on that loan. But if you get a 750 credit score, I know you can go to a bank and you can get that 15 grand. You just have to talk to a bunch of banks, talk to some little credit unions. Maybe not the big boys. They don't want to dick around, but you get one of those little fucking desert union credit bank things and they'll do it. I promise.

Try to credit union in Gresham last week. Manager flat out said no go till the septic's done. Boyfriends gained to co-sign, but get this. He's got his own dead from a truck that died last fall.

Yeah, well, that's okay, as long as his credit score is decent too. I'm telling you, you can get this done. So you can argue with me all you want, but I'm letting you know that if you talk to enough banks, one of them is going to give you the 15 grand in equity for your house to fix the septic system so that you can sell it for more. I just don't believe you about the values. Once you fix that septic system, it's going to be worth more than 15 grand. That's how it works.

I listed a comp last month in Clackamas. Fix septic, still sat 90 days. sold for three grand overask only after staging it cuts. You're right on talking more banks, though. I'll hit one tomorrow.

There you go. You hit one to get tomorrow. And I'm not saying you have to actually sell the house after you do the work. I'm saying when you do sell the house, even if it sits there for nine months, you're going to get your 15 grand back. So that money is not going to waste. You need a septic system where you live. If you don't have one, it's a big problem, not just for the town, but also just for your quality of life. So get the money, however you have to get the money, and get the work done. It's a shitty thing. You get it, but you got to do it. And once it's done, it's done for the next 10 or 15 years, and you don't have to worry about it. Got the shitty pun?

You're selling me on the fix. I'll call banks at lunch tomorrow. But the boyfriend angle?

Yeah, tell us about the boyfriend. You don't sound very excited about this boyfriend of yours. What's the deal? Why don't you like him?

I do like him. He's funny. Cook's decent green chili when he tries. But he spends like water. Truck debts just the start. Tracked his receipts once. 300 on Kraft Beer alone last month.

Me? Well, I mean, he works. That's his money. And if he's, he's, paying his truck loan off on time, then that's his choice. You may not want to meld finances with him, but I mean, co-signing on a loan isn't exactly that, right? That's only beneficial to you, and it's not beneficial to him at all in any way. So if you can get him to co-sign on a loan, then that's just going to make a bank feel a little bit better, because he's got a history of paying on his loans, like this truck one you keep complaining about.

are on time, sure. But that spending leaks everywhere. Craft beer. Impulse tools from the hardware store. I track every penny in Mint It off.

Well, that's good. It's good to have at least one partner that's financially mature. So maybe you've got to teach him some of those finance skills and show him the way a little bit. And, you know, maybe he's a lost cause. And you just, you've learned from spending six months with him that you don't want to get into a more serious committed relationship with your finances on the line because he's not good with money. That's your choice. But it sounds like the boyfriend wants to stick around and you like him and you guys need to fix your septic system. So get it done, Jackie, one way or the other.

That's the rub. I tolerate it because he's fun. Takes me to those hatched chili roasts. Last fall, he blew 500 on a smoker he used twice. I'm eyeing that three-year gap in my own books from back when. Can't merge that mess. Sorry over sharing again.

Well, that's what this show is for. We want you to share. We want you to be open with us and tell us what's going on. And let's get to the bottom of what's up with you and your boyfriend. He wants to get more serious, and you don't feel comfortable with that because of his spending. So that's a pretty common thing, I think. Do you think that he is teachable? Do you think that have you tried to speak with him about his spending and lead him in another direction? Is this how his parents spend? Was he raised this way? Where does the spending come from? I mean, we've all had an opportunity. Well, I don't know if we all have, but I certainly have, to spend money frivolously on stupid shit like smokers that I used twice. And everybody goes through that. Or maybe that's just my rich white privilege. I don't know. But I think it's a pretty normal thing, and people can grow out of it or learn different ways of managing their money. But they need somebody in their life that can show them that that exists. And they can show them like, look, if you don't spend all your money, then you can keep some of it and it can grow. People don't understand that because they don't teach it in school.

Try the top twice. First after the smoker. Spreadsheets out on the kitchen table. He goes, Jackie, life's too short for spreadsheets. Laft it off.

Well, you know, the truth is that it's somewhere in between. Life's too short to be so concerned with money that you can't do the things that you enough to take care of that money so that it can grow and you can do the things that you enjoy. So it seems like the answer here is between the two of you and you should be able to maybe work out some sort of compromise or agreement where you both are happy, you're saving, the bills are paid, the septic's fixed, and you can still do some stuff that's fun with some money. Because really, what is the point of working 40 hours a week or 60 hours a week or however many hours you both work if you can't spend any of that money?

Compromise sounds right. Set a fun pot. $200 a month. He blew it first week on tickets to a blazers game.

All right. Well, that's not good. If you're having these discussions and you're trying to compromise and he's still taking it too far, well, then maybe it has to be a more serious conversation. And if he's not somebody you can see yourself with long term, definitely don't let him move in. And maybe give him another chance. Talk to him, say, hey, this money thing's really bothering me. And if we're going to go, if we're going to move forward in this relationship, I need to be confident that you're not going to blow all the money. Because that's a reasonable thing to be concerned about.

Yeah, serious talks queued up. Tonight post-shift. No spreadsheets this time. Just straight. Fix habits, or we stall here. Like Marvin with his table. I'm clocking my own taints.

That's right. That's what we say. Clock your own taint. That's the only way you can get ahead in this world. You got to level set your tolerance and clock your own taint. All right. Well, thank you for the call, Jackie. We've got to pause now for a word from our sponsors, but I really appreciate calling in tonight.

Thanks, Luke. Good night.

Good night to you. And good night to the boyfriend. And hopefully you guys have a wonderful week without spending too much money. Now, ladies and gentlemen, we've got to take a break for a word from our sponsor. Life is hard. You're listening to a man in an RV talk to strangers at 2 in the morning, so you already know that. That's why we partnered with Better Maybe, online therapy that's honest about the whole situation. With Better Maybe, you get matched with a licensed therapist within 48 hours. Will they fix your problems? Maybe. That's the whole brand. They're not going to lie to you. Your first session might change your life. It also might just be you staring at the webcam while someone in another time zone nods politely. That's still more than your friends are doing. Better maybe. It's better than nothing, and that's not nothing.

Wait, I just looked up, clock your own taint. And apparently the slang term, taint comes from taint your balls. And tain your asshole. Taint your balls. Taint your asshole. It's somewhere in between. That's what I always say. Your taints between your balls and your asshole. Next up, we've got Artie. Welcome to the show. What do you think about the taint? Are you familiar with the nomenclature?

Taint? Shoot. Luke, you lost me on that one. Sounds like something from the prison yard. Never heard the term. Anyway, I was sitting here at the kitchen table.

You're sitting at the kitchen table, but you never heard of the word taint? You don't know what a taint is? The taint's the little fleshy bit that runs between your ball sack and your asshole, or your vagina and your asshole, if you're the fairer sex. You're not familiar with this? Nobody's ever scrubbed a tongue down there for you or anything?

Ha. All right. Now I get it. Yeah, I've had my share scrubbed down there. Connie was good at that. But listen, I'm out here at the kitchen table right now.

All right, buddy. Tell us about your kitchen table. It sounds fascinating.

It's this beat-up oak slab big gym built back in 85. Seats eight if you squeeze. Full of knife scars from whittling and burn marks from hot skillets. Connie hated it.

All right. Well, it sounds like a good table. Why are you calling in to talk about your table?

Well, it ain't just the table. I was sitting there tonight cleaning my 308, the one big gym gave me. Ritual thing, after a long shift. Helps me think straight. Then Connie shows up unannounced.

Well, I can see where that would be relaxing. I also enjoy cleaning out guns. The smell of the gun oil is like nothing else. It's very pleasant. And it is very relaxing. So good on you for keeping your guns clean and being a responsible gun owner. So tell us about Connie. She's your ex. She used to lick your taint, and she showed up today. So what did she have to say for herself?

Yeah, that gun oil smell gets me every time. Like therapy in a bottle. Connie's my ex-wife. Married young. Grew up together.

Okay. And she's obviously your ex-wife, so it didn't work out. And she showed up today. So why are you calling to tell us about Connie? What did she do? What did she say? How did she make you feel, Artie? Give us something.

the door right at 11. Wind kicking up outside, I swing it open with the 308 still half apart on the table behind me. Oil rag in my hand. She's standing there in her old Broncos jacket.

Was it just her old Broncos jacket? You're going to have to get to the point soon because it's getting, it's getting difficult here for me. Think about me on this side of the microphone. It's difficult for me to pull this out of you. So why don't you volunteer some information and let us know why you think this call is interesting.

All right, Luke. taken. She pushes past me into the kitchen, starts yanking open drawers, looking for her grandma's necklace.

Okay. Was she inebriated? Did she find the necklace? Was there some reason she couldn't have just called and asked for the necklace? Do you know where the necklace is?

No, not hammered, eyes glassy, though. Probably that boxed wine she likes, didn't find it. It's tucked in my dresser drawer upstairs. Yeah, she could have called first.

Okay, so you know where her grandmother's necklace is and you're holding it from her in your fucking sock drawer. Why would you do that? It obviously doesn't belong to you. It's meaningful to her. She wants it back. So why are you not giving it to her?

Whoa, Luke, pump the brakes. It ain't her necklace anymore. Divorce was two years ago. Informal split. No lawyers. She took the couch, the TV, half the dishes. Left that necklace in the jewelry box.

Well, that's a real dickhead way to look at things because that was, it's a sentimental thing to her. So what do you do? What do that necklace mean to you. You obviously don't need to sell it or you would have already. So you're just holding on to it, what, out of spite? That's not cool, man. So just give her the necklace back.

Hold on, Luke. Spite? That's not it at all.

Well, what is it then?

No, Luke. It's principal. She storms in, sees the 308 parts spread out Xbox humming in the corner for my late night session. She busts out laughing.

What do you mean she busts out laughing? I don't understand what's going to on here. So she's drunk. And her eyes are all glassy. She pushes her way past you. She starts opening your drawer. She's looking for her grandmother's necklace. You know where the necklace is. You have for a long time. You've got it stored safely in your drawer up in your bedroom like an asshole. And you're not giving it back to her. I mean, even though you know it's not yours. And it's a thing that she wants. And she's laughing. So illuminate this situation for us a little bit. I'm getting tired of trying to drag it out of you.

No, no, Luke, let me lay it out. She pushes in, sees the rifle guts on the table, Xbox glowing with that paused call of duty screen, beers stacked by my elbow. She points and cracks up, says, Artie, you're still living like a divorced gamer loser? That's when she spots the jewelry box.

Okay. So whatever, she's right. You are living like a divorced Xbox loser. You're just sitting there cleaning guns by yourself with your eight-person table, hiding some ladies necklace and not giving it back to her. So I agree with the woman.

Agree with her? Come on, Luke. That's harsh. It's my kitchen. My table.

Yep. It's your kitchen. Your table. Her necklace. Give her her fucking necklace back. You've got no reason to hold on to it other than spite. Yes. You got spite because she's being a bitch to you. She could have handled this in a nicer way. But still, you've known about that necklace for God knows how long. Right? You could have given her it to her on day one, offered that up because, uh, because it's of no use to you. You're only holding it because you know that she wants it. And that's not right. That's a douchebag move. And you should cut the shit.

No way, Luke. Huh. It's not spite. She cleared out half the house day one, couch, TV, her pods, left the necklace sitting there like junk.

Okay. Well, she wants it back. So give her the necklace. I don't have anything else to say to you. Do you have anything else you'd like to say to the radio listeners at home before I hang up on you?

All right, Luke. Point taken. Night.

Night, you fucking douchebag. You give us all a bad name for shit like that. You know, usually it's, uh, I don't need to talk about usually. Next up, we've got Charlene. Charlene, thanks for calling in. What's going on? What's, uh, what's tickling your taint tonight?

Hey, Luke. Uh, thanks. First time calling in almost hung up. Nothing bad's tickling anything tonight.

Okay, well, you sound awful familiar. It's your first time calling in? We appreciate that. What's got you calling in tonight? What can we help you with?

Ah, nothing really needs helping, Luke. Just excited. Been grinding chess online for months. Tonight, I just won my first big tournament.

That's awesome, Charlene. I just looked it up. And there are so many different kinds of online chess tournaments from QuickBlitz games to longer classical formats. Congratulations. Good work. I like to play chess myself. And I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I want a few of those little tournaments that don't pay anything. You get paid for your win?

Yeah, thanks, Devon. Luke, it's on chess.com. Classical format, two-hour games.

Awesome. Good work. Did you win money from this or just street cred?

Yeah, Luke, 200 bucks. First real payout. Been grinding rated games for months.

All right. Nicely done. Congratulations. It feels good to get your first win under your belt. I'm very proud of you. anything else you'd like to tell us?

Well, uh, it's not just the money. I was playing this guy.

Good for you. Um, well, part of the fun of playing online games like that is the trash talking. It's my favorite part anyway. It's not nice to call somebody trash, though. That's very unkind. And it's, uh, it must be satisfying for you to have taken a lot of money.

Yeah, Luke. Super satisfying. He resigned after I trapped his queen. typed Gigi, all salty.

So I just looked this up. And apparently, some common chess trash talk isn't even insults. But things like, you don't know what to do when someone is taking a long time to move.

Yeah. I mean, it's always been my strategy to take a long time to move to piss people off.

But in a lot of those time games, you don't have that option because you're on a timer. So, I mean, you got to go, you got to move quickly. So, uh, good for you, Charlene. Congratulations on your big win. Uh, we're going to move on to the next caller now, unless there's anything else that you'd like to share with our audience.

Thanks, Luke. Appreciate it. Take care.

Yeah, you too. Keep on playing and playing bigger games. And maybe you'll find yourself on the world stage chess champions. That's what we hope for you anyway. Next up on the show, we've got Wendell. Wendell, welcome to the show. What's tickling your taint night.

Luke, I caught my boss Rick with his hand up my second ex-wife's skirt behind the food truck 10 minutes ago.

Wait, so like a literal food truck? I'm picturing this whole dramatic scene with like hot dog water dripping on them. You fucking creep. You're such a creep, Devon. All right. Well, that's, uh, that's unpleasant. And it sounds like your ex-wife is your ex-wife for a good reason. And good on your boss, right? Let them, let them, let's, uh, that's unpleasant. And it sounds like your ex-wife is your ex-wife for a good-wife for a good-reve for a good-huh. And, right? him have that, and he'll learn his lesson, I'm sure.

Yeah, Devon, literal food truck. Taco Salpaster tonight grease everywhere. Luke, she's X number two for damn good reasons, sure. But Rick's my boss, pays my bills, and she shows up unannounced, says she's just saying hi. Then I hear the rustling behind the prep station.

Do you think there's actually something going on there, or was she just trying to get under your skin because she knew you'd see?

Something's going on, Lou. Luke? They've been texting for weeks. Saw it on her phone last month when she left it in my truck. Rick's got that thing I like, she wrote to a friend. And tonight, she whispers, missed you, big guy, right before I ram the corner.

Well, it sounds like maybe you're not quite over the woman yet. And you're divorced. She's free to date whoever she wants. And so is Rick. Then it seems like there's nothing you can really do about it. You're going to have to just swallow that one and move on with your life.

Maybe I'm not fully over her, Luke. Fair point. Divorced two years now. But Rick's the one signing my checks. Tomorrow, I got to sling tacos like nothing happened. And her car's been at his place twice last week. I drove by on my way home from a shift.

Yeah, that's unpleasant, and it sucks to go through it. But there's not much you can do because they're both free people, and if that's what they want to do, there's nothing you can do to stop them. You can maybe talk to Rick at your boss, let them know that it's a little uncomfortable comfortable for him to be fucking around with your ex-wife in front of you and maybe ask him to be a little more respectful about that, or you can find yourself a new job and a new boss and a new woman and maybe do it to somebody else.

Talking to Rick crossed my mind, Luke. He's decent otherwise. Let's me off early for dust storms. He even covered my truck insurance last year after hail. But yeah, respectful might go over like a lead here in the boot heel.

Well, you're going to have to do one thing or the other, either get over it and deal with it or move on and put yourself in an environment where you don't have to deal with it. There's really no other way, I mean, except talking to Rick, which it sounds like he's your boss. He's signing your checks, as you've mentioned a few times. He continues to do that, so it hasn't been a problem. If you're concerned that maybe the wife will put something in his ear to fuck with you, and he's the type of person that might do that to impress her, then maybe you should bring that to HR and have him talk to that way. But I think you can handle this with a man-to-man conversation because any man would understand that that's fucked up and it's not cool to do somebody. So he might not think, maybe he doesn't even know that she's your ex-wife, but he might not think that they're out in the open. He might think he's hiding it better than he is. So you let him know not and see how he responds. And if he responds unfavorably, then find yourself a new taco truck.

No HR here, Luke. Rick owns the truck outright, runs it solo with me and two-part timers. Man-to-man makes sense.

All right. Well, there you go. You've got yourself a plan. So talk to Rick, man-to-man. Tell him to stop feeling up your ex-wife's taint in front of everybody because that is unprofessional and it's douch-bats and we don't stand for either of those things here at Luke at the Roost. But ladies and gentlemen, it's time for us to take a little pause and listen to this ad from our sponsor. I'm just going to say it. Your penis isn't working. I said it. It's out there now. The word is in the air. We're all adults. Some of us are adults whose penises work and some of us are adults who are listening very carefully right now while pretending to adjust the radio so the person of in the passenger seat doesn't see their face. It's fine. It happens to, and this is the real number, roughly half of all men over 40 at some point. Half. You're not special. You're not broken. You're not the first guy this happened to, and you're not going to be the last. You're just the guy it's happening to right now. And right now you have two options. Option one, do nothing. Keep staring at the ceiling. Keep blaming the altitude, the stress, the medication, the alignment of mercury, the fact that you ate dairy, none of which are the problem. Option two? Sandstone. $45. A doctor who has literally heard everything and will not flinch. Medication that works, a box that reveals nothing, and the ability to walk into your bedroom like a man who handled his business instead of a man who's about to suggest watching another episode or something. Sandstone, I said the word. You heard the word. Now go to the website. All right. Thank you to Sandstone for their support of this show. And here he is. Here's the guy we've been waiting for for a week now. Silas, Silas, you're calling back in. Welcome to the show. What's tickling your tainer? Who's tainer you tickling tonight? What's going on down there at the old Wellspring?

Hey, Luke. Brother, Marcus rolled up to the gate this morning. Once back in after that note he left. But the more I think about it, something about it, just doesn't sit right.

Yeah, you've been back and forth enough with this Marcus character. It's time to, uh, it's time to let him go. I think you got to tell him now you can't come back, uh, third time and you're out. And, uh, and he's definitely had enough chances. And you don't feel good about it. Your, your wife doesn't feel good about it. It's, it's time to just deny him entry.

I hear you, Luke. Third time's no charm on this one. Teresa's been clear. She doesn't want him around those shared nights anymore.

Yeah, I mean, you tried to help the guy out. You looked at yourself and you saw where maybe you had a part and everything to play. He doesn't want to be there. And he's going to dick around and keep saying, I want to come back. I don't want to be there. It's because of my girlfriend.

Hey, Luke. Remember that roommate with the adult baby fetish? He just proposed we do a play date together. I about fell over.

Yeah, I assume you said no, or has he worked on you a little bit? Have you reconsidered your stance on the adult baby play? Because the last time you called in, you weren't into it at all. And my advice was to tell him that. And it sounds like you did tell him that. And if he's still pushing on on you, that's a problem. And it's time for a new roommate.

Oh yeah, I shut that down flat. No play date. No way. Right. But here's the thing, Luke. He didn't back off. He said it'd be fun for both of us. I left a whole diaper on the kitchen counter this morning.

Yeah, it's not cool. Time to get a new roommate or kick him out or you were looking at other places to move to. And this dude is a creep and you don't need that in your life. Was the diaper clean, I hope?

Yeah, clean as far as I could tell. Thank God. But leaving it right by the coffee pot, come on. I've been scouting apartments over in Clayton.

Adult baby slash diaper lover forums actually have extensive advice sections on how to responsibly manage their fetish in shared living situations.

Often emphasizing, communication and respecting boundaries. Yeah, this guy's not respecting your boundaries. You've made your boundaries clear and it's obvious that he's going to keep pushing. So, uh, good luck on finding yourself a new apartment because that's the right answer here.

Thanks, Luke. Yeah, new place it is. Appreciate it. Take care.

Yeah, you too. Good luck with the, uh, the diapers and all that. It sounds like something I don't want to deal with. So I'm glad I don't have to. And next up, we're going to take one more call. caller here we've got Terry, Terry, you're going to be our last call of the night. So what's going on with your tape? What's itching you?

Luke, my man Jesse, works nights at the slaughterhouse in Clayton, comes dragging in at dawn reeking of blood, and cow guts. I fire up the bakery right after, and that stench seeps into everything, ruins the whole damn batch.

Is that just your opinion because you can smell it? It's in your nose? Or is that, are you hearing that from your customers?

anybody really wants a pastry that smells like cow guts and blood. No, Luke, customers bail fast. Yesterday, Mrs. Garcia wrinkles her nose at the cinnamon rolls and says, smells like the stockyards exploded in here. Turns around, walks out. I'm losing money, hand over fist.

Yeah, I just looked it up, and apparently it's a pretty common issue for slaughterhouse odors to impact nearby businesses. With some places, even having official odor complaints Child Bys schools and homes. Okay, well, what's his hygiene situation? I mean, obviously he's going to do what he has to do for work, but could he, you know, go straight to the shower when he gets home and get rid of the clothes or leave the clothes in a smell-proof bag or something like that? There must be some way to work around this. What are other people that are in the butchery business do?

He strips in the garage, jumps straight in the shower. But those work clothes? He dumps him right in the laundry room hamper.

Okay, well, I mean, that problem's solved. You put a hamper in the garage for him to put his clothes in. And if you really have to, if it's affecting your business, then don't even bring them in the house ever. Make him take them to a laundromat or move your washer and dryer into the garage.

Tried it, Luke. Hamper's in the garage six months now.

It sounds like he needs to immediately soak those clothes in a separate bin with some vinegar or baking soda solution before they even hit the hamper because the smell can really permeate fabrics.

There you go. Have you tried that? Have you tried having him soak the clothes in some sort of a chemical solution or even just vinegar like Devon suggests?

Vinegar soak. Tried it for weeks. Clothes come out like pickled ass.

One doesn't sound very pleasant at all. I don't want a pickled ass pastry. Pickled ass pastries. The next house thing in New Mexico. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you there, but I know that this must be a solution that's been solved by other people in his industry because it seems to be a real thing, the smell permeating and causing issues. But I've never noticed anybody, even a butcher, that has a strong smell like that.

Luke Butchers reek all day. Grew up next to one in Tukumkari. Couldn't eat steak for years. We've hit laundromat twice a week. And enzyme sprays, the works.

Well, there's got to be something. I don't know what it is, but I'm sure that you could do some research, and burn his fucking clothes. Get him burner clothes. So maybe he's got to change his Haynes T-shirt every day. Don't they wear protective gear? Butchers, don't they have like a butcher's, uh, apron type situation to get all that?

Luke, aprons and gloves. Standard issue.

Okay. So you got this guy, he comes home, he strips his clothes off in the garage, he puts them in the hamper, they never enter the house, and then you spray him down with enzyme sprays and he takes his shower. There's not too much more you can ask of this guy. He seems to be doing everything that he can to make the situation as minimal as possible. We do need butchers, and that is his profession. So it might just be something that you've got to deal with. Maybe there's something on your end that you can do a diod in the bakery or a hepa filter or something like that? Have you tried attacking it from the other direction?

Hepa filters? Two of them, 500 bucks last month.

Okay, well, how about an ozone generator? That should take care of the situation.

Ozone generator ran it overnight once.

Maybe once isn't enough. Well, I don't know what to tell you, because these are all the ideas that I have. So, I mean, you can either get rid of the dude because he smells, bad because he's working to pay the bills. Or you can, you know, triple up on your hepa filters, even though they're expensive. Or you can find yourself another profession.

Dump Jesse? That's your fix. We've been together 12 years, Luke.

Yeah, well, I just gave you six other fixes that you shot down because you apparently tried them all. I don't know what the answer is here. I'm not a fucking chemist. Maybe you got to go to the base bakery school or a butchery school and figure out what butchers do to take care of this situation. I'm not an expert in rotting meat stink.

Every butcher forum, Luke. Same complaint. Wives dumping loads at coin ops or divorcing. Sales tanked 40% since wind shifted.

I find it hard to believe that there's no commercial product that takes care of this situation. It seems like sense is something that we as society have got pretty well figured out. I mean, you can soak this guy in essential oils if you have to wash him down in vinegar. Whatever it is that people do, somebody's got this figured out.

Essential oils, tried lavender, eucalyptus. Now bakery reeks like a dead potpourri shop.

Well, which one of these businesses generates more income for your household? Is it the bakery or is it the butchery?

Bakery used to out-earn his shop two to one. Now, butchery's 70% percent of our take home.

Well, then you guys need to have that conversation because if you don't want to split up and you can't stand the smell, then maybe it's time for him to come work for you at the bakery or find himself a new career. Because you've got to pick one or the other, it seems like, if none of these products are working for you and you don't want to continue to keep trying forever, if you're losing money and you're making less money than you were before, what did you do before this? What did he do before he was a butcher? Has it been 12 years is of not being able? At some point, this began. What was the precipice for that?

Jesse drove semis nights. Twelve years hauling freight out of Clovis, back gave out two years ago.

His back gave out, so now he's a butcher and he's cutting up cows? That doesn't make any sense. Yeah, it seems like you might be better off if he didn't work at all. So that's also an option. You know, have him a stay-at-home boyfriend or husband or whatever the fuck he is. And he can do the household stuff while you bring in the money and that will double your household income, right? So that seems like a wise choice to me. But just have the talk with him and let him know that this whole butchering thing isn't working out. And you're going to, in support of your business and your household finances, you're going to need them to find some other way to make money.

Stay at home. Jesse laughs at that shit. Pride's killing him slower than the back pain.

Okay, Terry. you obviously are not looking for a solution here. I'm not sure what you're looking for. But it's getting late. So we're going to have to wrap up the show. Is there anything you'd like to tell the audience at home before we hang up?

Butchers wreak forever, Luke. Thanks for the ear.

Yeah, no problem. Butchers wreak forever. That should be the name of the episode. And thanks for calling in.

Sorry we couldn't solve that problem for you, but I don't think you really wanted it to be solved. Or you would have met me halfway. and we could have, we could have workshoped this together. But no, you just wanted to complain. And I suppose that's okay. If you just want to complain, you can call in to Luke at the roost at, I don't think I gave out the number. If you want to give us a call for the next show, the number is 208-439-58-53. That's 208-439 Luke. And let's check in with the Devon. Devon, how do you think the show went tonight? I was pretty annoyed by most of these callers. It was to pull out any sort of information or why they were calling. I'm not sure what was up with that tonight. What did you think of the show?

Yeah, it was kind of all over the place tonight, wasn't it? Like, the butcher shop smell guy had me hooked for a second. I mean, who doesn't love a good, gross out story? But yeah, a lot of them just rambled without landing the punch. Still, I don't know, I thought the trucker call was solid. That back pain stuff hits close to home since my uncle drove semis and ended up with the same issues. Anyway, we got through it. Right? You kept it moving better than I could have.

Well, yeah, I'm a goddamn professional, and that's what I do. We keep this show moving. And on the air, we don't do dead air here at Look at the Roost. So what do you think we should talk about tomorrow? Devon, you got any ideas for tomorrow's show?

Yeah, no dead air. That's the rule. For tomorrow, maybe we do something on weird dreams people have had lately. Like, callers share their craziest ones, and we try to figure out what they mean, or if they're just from bad takeout. or local stuff, like the best hole-in-the-wall spots in Deming or Clovis that nobody talks about. I could pull up some reviews ahead of time. That trucker vibe got me thinking road stories could work too, but less back pain, more like ghost trucks. Or something spooky on the highway.

All right, I see where you're going on that. We already did dreams. We can't do dreams again. Not this soon anyway. Not without some more specifics for those dreams, you know? Just general dreams. It's interesting, but we need some variety. I like the idea of your road stories. We haven't done road stories and ghost trucks is interesting. There was that one caller a while back that thought that the aliens were following her in their F-150s, I think. Yeah, let's go with, tomorrow we'll do road stories. And we'll listen to stories that people have from the road. Way of the road, bud. It's the way of the road.

Yeah, road stories sounds perfect. Way better than rehashing dreams. I remember that. That alien F-150 lady, she was convinced they were tailgating her on 70. Cool if I dig up a couple New Mexico highway legends beforehand, like the Phantom Trucker on 285, or whatever. My civics seen some weird stuff out there, too, but nothing ghostly yet.

All right, well, it sounds like a plan to me. And thanks to all you listeners for another great episode of Luke at the Roost. Give us a call back tomorrow when we'll be taking calls and talking about people's road stories. a story from the road, you can give us a call tomorrow or send us an email at submissions at look at the roost.com. With that, we're going to sign off and say good night.