Episode 53: The Hospice Nurse's Impossible Choice

All right, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome back to Luke at the Roost. It's your late night call-in radio show where you can call in and tell me about what's on your mind. Doesn't matter what it is. If you'd like to give us a call, the number here is 208-439-58-3-3. That's 208-439 Luke. If you would like to participate in the show, but you're not in your phone or for whatever reason, you're shy, or something like that, you could send us an email to submissions at lukeats the roost.com. And if we think they're good enough, we'll play them on the air. So two different ways to participate in the show here. Give us a call or send us an email, and we'll get to whatever it is that's eaten you. Today is Tuesday, April 28th. It's been a while since we did a show. I was out of town, and let's see what's going on with our intern here. Hey, Devon, Devon, welcome back to the show. I've been out of town for a while. I went down to Alpine, Texas, out there by Big Ben National Park. And I bought a house. So we're going to move the studio to Alpine, Texas. So Sayanara, New Mexico, hopefully. I mean, it takes a little while for one of these house sale-type things to go through. And there's a lot of things that can hold it up. But the plan is we're going to move the studio. to Alpine, Texas. How do you feel about the commute?

Yeah? Oh, man. Alpine's like 320 miles from Deming. That's a solid five-hour drive each way in my Civic. The check engine lights been blinking at me like a Morse code warning for months now. I'd basically have to live in the car or find a place down there, which, yeah, my landlord's already talking about selling my studio anyway, so maybe it's a sign. If that makes sense.

Yeah, but I mean, it's a five-hour commute each way, and you're a dedicated intern, so it's not something that you can't withstand, right? You like doing the show. You're in for it, right?

Yeah, I mean, I do love the show. It's the best part of my week, honestly. But 10 hours round trip every day, that's like driving to El Paso and back twice. And my Civic's already on life support. I'd end up living out of a motel or something, which I guess I've done worse, but you think we could maybe help with that?

Define help, my friend. What do you mean by

juzzling oil like crazy, or maybe help scouting a cheap room or motel down there. I mean, I'm in whatever it takes, but 10 hours a day behind the wheel, I basically turn into a human gas station receipt, you know?

I know, but I mean, for the sake of the show, sometimes you have to make sacrifices. I understand that it might be difficult, but you are an unpaid intern, so gas money's not something that's going to come your way from this show. Maybe we can throw it out to the listeners, and one of them might have like an RV. V or a teepee or something out there that you can stay out. I mean, land is really cheap out in Tirlingua. You can stay out there in the desert. You're going to have to bring your own water and shit in a bucket, but I think for the show, it's worth it.

Yeah, I get it. Sacrifices for the show. I've slept in worse than a bucket set up before. Like, that time I couch surfed in a guy's van for a month after my roommate ghosted with the rent money. Throwing it out to listeners sounds solid, though. Maybe someone's got a spare T-P or something in Tirlingua. I could look up land prices real quick if you want, see what's cheap out there. I'm down, boss. Whatever keeps Luke at the roost rolling.

That's what we like to hear. And that's why you're the intern we picked, because you'll do what it takes to make sure that we have a great show. Are you ready to have a great show tonight, Devon?

Yeah, thanks. I mean, that means a lot, boss. Totally ready. Lines are lighting up already, and I've got that thing for last week's collar pulled up in case they ring back. Let's crush it tonight.

All right, let's crush it. First up on our color line here, we've got Deb. Deb, welcome to the show. Thanks for calling in. What can we help you with tonight? What's going on in your life?

I did something at work and I need someone to tell me if I'm a murderer or nurse, because I genuinely cannot tell anymore.

All right, well, did you murder somebody?

That's the question, isn't it? I'm a hospice nurse. So, the line is... It's not like other jobs where the line is obvious. And I had a patient. He was 81. He was dying. There was no question about that part. And he asked me to help it go faster. And I made a decision. And he died that night.

This is a huge thing in hospice care. Nurses face a lot of ethical dilemmas with end-of-life decisions, especially regarding patient autonomy and symptom relief. Well, I can certainly understand that. And I think it is a person's right to choose the way that they die when it's time for them to go if they need some help pushing it along. I don't think there's anything wrong with doing that. The law might see things differently. So I can't give you absolution for your sins here, but I can tell you I probably would have done the same thing. And if you were my hospice nurse and I asked for that, I would want you to accommodate.

You would have done the same thing. I've been driving around for three weeks telling myself that. That any decent person would have done the same thing. But it's different when you're the one who, when it's your hands. He used to call me the angel with cold hands. Every shift, I'd come in and he'd say, Here comes the angel with cold hams. And he was funny, you know. Even at the end he was still funny. His daughter sent me flowers. She sent me a thank you card.

Yeah, I can definitely see where that would mess with you, and it would probably take a long time to get over. But I think you probably did the right thing there. Does anybody know about it other than us? Have you told a supervisor or the family or anything like that, or did you make it look like an accident?

No one knows. And it wasn't, I didn't make it look like anything. He was dying. People in hospice die. That's the whole point of hospice. Nobody was surprised. His chart said he was close. I just, the amount was higher than what was charted. That's the part I can't say out loud to anyone in my actual life. And no, no supervisor.

Okay, so they don't do like a toxicology report or an autopsy after death to make sure that there was no malpractice or anything. like that?

Not in hospice. Not when someone is already terminal and expected to go. There's no, nobody's looking for anything because there's nothing to look for on paper. He was 81 and he had cancer and he was dying. That's what the chart says and that's what happened. So I have her card in my glove compartment, his daughter's card.

Oh, man, well, I think you did the right thing. I think that was the humane situation. I mean, we bring in pets, animals. that are too sick to stand or, you know, go to the bathroom or when they get to the point where their life is not pleasant anymore, we take them in and put them down. And I think, um, I think it's, if someone is lucid enough to tell you that that's what they want and you're in a position to give that to them and it's clear that they're not going to recover with, with medicine or over time, then I think probably you were, correct here.

I know. I know that argument. I've made that argument in my head every night for three weeks, and I believe it, I do. It's just when you're the one who drew it up and administered it and then sat with him for a little while after, and then drove home, and then got the flowers delivered to your door, it sits different than an argument. You know what I mean? It just sits in you different. And I keep driving past his Walmart on Bloomfield Highway every loop I do tonight, and I keep thinking I should just go in and buy something stupid and go home and sleep. But I can't make the car. I was listening to a podcast the other night about quantum immortality.

Do you know about the concept of quantum immortality?

No. What is that?

So in the many worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics, there's every decision that we make splits off a parallel universe in which we made the other decision. So quantum immortality is an unfortunate byproduct of that, where every time we die. There's actually another world where we don't die and our consciousness just wakes up over in that other one, right? So in quantum immortality, you just don't die. I mean, you don't realize that you died in this one timeline because your whole memory and life and personality is transferred over to the universe where that didn't happen. So this man may have had you as a hospice nurse and a hospice nurse. This decision split the universes, and then in this one, you helped him end his life. But his consciousness maybe just transferred over to the other reality where you didn't make that decision.

So, in the other universe, he's still lying there asking me to help it go faster, and I'm saying no.

That's not... I don't think that's the comfort you meant it to be.

I mean, I hear what you're saying. I do. And maybe that's beautiful. I don't know. But right now, at two in the moment, morning driving past her Walmart for the fourth time. What I need to know is whether the version of me in this universe, the one who actually did it, whether she's okay, whether I'm okay.

Well, I think you're okay. I think you're going to be okay. And it wasn't meant to be comforting. It's not comforting and it's not beautiful. It's a terrifying proposition. I just found it interesting. That's all. And you're right. It was probably not the right time to bring that up. But you do have it correct in the other... universe, maybe there's a version of you that said no, and he's just stuck on living. And every time he dies, he just wakes up in another universe still wishing to die.

Gerald. His name was Gerald.

And yeah, that universe sounds, that sounds awful, actually, for him. He was so tired, you could just see it. He was so tired, and he was still trying to be funny for everyone. Still doing the angel with cold hands bit every single shift. And I think that was for us, you know? I think that was for us. was for the staff more than for him. He was taken care of us right up until. That's the kind of man he was.

I just looked this up, and the many worlds interpretation is actually one of the leading interpretations of quantum mechanics, even though it sounds totally wild. Well, it sounds like he was a nice man, and it sounds like you did the compassionate thing, and I think you're going to be okay. It's going to mess with you for a while, because how could it not? I mean, you helped somebody end their life, but you know. intellectually, his life was going to end anyway, and it was going to end poorly and progressively get worse. So what you did was humane and it was kind, and it was a sacrifice on your part. And now it's going to take some time for you to come to terms with that. And I would recommend that you maybe talk to a therapist about this, or a spiritual advisor, or somebody that can help you, process the feelings that it's bringing up inside of you. I don't know that I'm the right person to do that. I'm just kind of interested in whether or not this man is still breathing in an alternate parallel universe.

I know you're not the right person. I think I knew that when I dialed. But it's two in the morning, and you were there and I just needed to say it out loud to somebody who didn't know me, who didn't know Gerald. Who couldn't look at me differently at work on Monday? And you're right about the therapist. I know you're right. I have the card of my glove computer. His daughter's card. I keep thinking I should bring it inside, but if I bring it inside, it becomes a real thing that lives in my house, and right now it just lives in my car.

Okay, what is the card? I don't understand what this card from the daughter is. Is it like a thank you card? Is it a business card? What kind of card is it?

It's a thank you card. She sent it to my work and someone put it in my mailbox there, and I brought it out to my car, and it says thank you for the compassion you showed our father in his final days. Something like that, doesn't know. She just thinks I was a good nurse who was kind to him, which I was. I was both of those things. I was a good nurse and I did what I did and I can't figure out how both of those things live in the same body.

Well, they both live in the same body because, I mean, he asked for that. He asked you to do that. And you could understand why he asked you to do that. So I think that makes you both a good nurse and a kind nurse. And if I were in hospice care, I would wish that you were my nurse.

I haven't told my sons. I have two boys. They're grown. And I talk to them about work sometimes. Not details. Just the emotional weight of it. And I haven't said a word. My oldest called me last week and said, Mom, you sound weird. And I said I'm just tired. And I am tired. I'm just tired of a very specific thing that I can't name to him.

You know, what I think about sometimes? I think about the next patient.

Yeah, I mean, if you stop and think about the next patient, and your next patient, and your next is in a similar situation. How do you think you would react to that? Would you be more inclined to do the same thing again, or would you change your mind?

I don't know. That's the honest answer.

I don't know, and that scares me a little. Because with Gerald, it wasn't a decision I made ahead of time. He wasn't something I walked in planning. He just looked at me that night and said what he said, and I just did it. And I don't know if that means I'm someone who would do it again, or if I'm someone who got to the end of something that night and couldn't do it again. I genuinely don't know which one I am. And I have to have to. to go back on shift Friday.

I just looked this up, and nurses in palliative and end-of-life care face significant emotional challenges, and compassion and sadness are really common emotions for them, regardless of how long they've been working. Yeah, well, I mean, Friday's a bit away. You can see how you feel then, but maybe it's time to take some vacation time and talk to that therapist. So that's what I would recommend you do sooner rather than later. even like an online therapist, just somebody to talk to that is not going to judge you for this. They can help you process your way through these emotions because it can affect you in ways that you don't understand. It could make you mean. It could make you cold. And that's not going to be helpful for your next patience. So you want to make sure if you're going to go in and give somebody that level of care that you're on your A game. And right now, you're not. And that's okay. And nobody has to know why. tell your sons. You don't have to tell your boss or your patience. You can just say, you know what? I have some personal stuff I'm dealing with. I'm not ready to come back to work right now. And I think, especially in that line of work, everybody understands that you need that time sometimes in order to do your job, right? You need to be able to recharge your own batteries in order to have the compassion necessary to take care of somebody in the later stages of life.

Yeah, yeah, you're right. I know you're right. I think I think I'm going to stop at the Walmart. I'm going to stop at the Walmart and I'm going to buy something stupid and I'm going to go home. And maybe I'll bring the card inside. I don't know about that part yet. But thank you for picking up. I didn't expect you to be kind about it and you were kind about it. And that matters at two in the morning.

All right, Deb, well, uh, good luck to you. I hope you feel better. We're going to be around. If you need to talk to somebody, you can call back anytime. And, uh, we'll try to help you out.

Uh, I think you can, you can, sleep well, knowing that you did a kind thing for somebody. And if you were in the same situation, I'm sure you would want somebody like yourself to do what you did. Okay, next up on the caller list here, we've got Thomas. Thomas, welcome to the show. Are you Thomas or Tomas? Let us know. What's going on in your life tonight? How can we help you?

My mom turned 58 yesterday, and I just sat in my apartment and watched the clock hit midnight and did nothing. And I need to do. to explain to somebody why that was actually the only thing I could do.

Okay. 58's not all that old. What happened with you and your mom? Why couldn't you give your mom a call and say, happy birthday?

It's not really about my mom. She didn't do anything. That's the part that's been eating at me since like two in the morning. It's my brother. My older brother. And about eight months ago, I had to make a decision to just disappear from all of them.

All right, what happened exactly? Because whatever it is between you and your brother doesn't have anything to do with your mother. And I'm sure that she's bummed out. You didn't call her on her birthday. So what is it that makes you not want to talk to anybody?

I know. I know that. You think I don't know that. But here's the thing. And I need you to understand this part. My brother would have known within 20 minutes that I called her. That's how it works in my family. Somebody says something. It moves. And he would have been on the phone. with me, and I just, I wasn't strong enough to hear his voice and say no again. Because I'd been saying no for almost a year, and it kept not working.

I just looked this up, and research shows that social media can actually make family estrangement even more complicated, making it harder to avoid contact. Okay, so what happened? What has caused you to want to separate from your whole family?

Check fraud. My brother was pulling me into check fraud. Slowly, you know how it goes. It starts. It starts with something small and you don't even see the shape of it until you're already inside it. And I kept saying no, and he kept finding new angles, new ways to ask. And I love him. That's the thing.

Check fraud is a pretty serious offense. And the United States Postal Inspection Service says scammers often use sophisticated software to create fake checks. Okay, so he pulled you in to check fraud in what way? Like, he got you to sign your name on checks that were no good or. steal checks or what exactly happened?

No, I never. I never did it. That's what I need you to hear. I never signed anything. But he kept asking me to use my name, my account, because I had a cleaner record than him. And I just, every time I said no, he'd come at me from a different direction. Through my mom, through my cousin, like just this once, it's nothing. You're being dramatic. And I could feel myself getting tired. You get tired of saying no to somebody you love. And I knew if you're not. If I stayed close enough to say no, eventually I was going to say yes.

Well, then you probably did the right thing, cutting ties with your brother. He's obviously in some sort of a place where it's not safe to be interacting with him. But your brother is not your mother. You don't have to say goodbye to everybody just because your brother is in a bad place. You can hold boundaries that, and it may be tiring, but you know what? You can say goodbye to everybody too. That's fine. If you don't want to talk to your family, lots of people are estranged from their families. If they're putting you in a place where you don't want to be, it's perfectly okay to walk away from them.

The car I'm restoring right now, a 79 Buick Riviera, Burgundy, my brother found it for me at auction. Two years ago, before all of this. And I'm out there every weekend with my hands in that engine and I can't, I don't know what to do with that. Like the good parts of him are still real. That's what nobody wants to sit with.

Well, you're sitting with it, right? And you're coming to, you're trying to figure out what it is that you do with it. Because, I mean, you don't want to get yourself in the kind of trouble that you would get in if you were to participate in whatever sort of scheme he's got going on. Have you talked to him about why he's doing this or why he needs the money or, like, what is his justification for what he's doing? How is he trying to get you involved?

We talked about it plenty. He's got reasons. He always, has reasons. He's smart like that. It's never helped me do something illegal. It's always the system is already crooked. And this is just us getting ours. And look, I grew up hearing some version of that, and it's not even entirely wrong. You know, that's what makes it hard. He's not a cartoon villain. He's my brother who helped me find a 79 Riviera and who taught me how to set points on a distributor when I was 14. But I have a burner phone, charged.

Why do you have a burner phone? What does your charged burner phone have to do with anything? That sounds a little bit off.

It's in a drawer. I keep it in case something happens. Like a real emergency. Somebody gets hurt. Somebody dies. I'm not, I didn't disappear because I don't care. I disappeared because I care too much, and I ran out of ways to show it that didn't cost me everything. The burner is just, it's there, so I can tell myself there's a line I have. haven't crossed yet.

I don't understand the mentality behind the burner phone. Why couldn't you just use your regular phone? What's the burner phone for in case you decide to break bad and get into check fraud? Like, why do you have a separate phone for emergencies when your normal phone would be just fine? I don't understand.

Because they don't have the number. Nobody in my family has that number. If I use my regular phone, they can call me back. They can find me. the burner is one direction only. I call out. They can't call in. It's not about check fraud. It's just, it's the only way I could think of to leave a door cracked without leaving it open.

Okay. Well, it sounds like you've thought it through pretty well, and you're handling it pretty well, and you're taking care of yourself the only way that you know how. It's unfortunate that you can't call your own mother on her birthday. You could have used the burner phone to do that, or sent an email. from a burner email address or something similar. But if you can't be involved with whatever it is your brother and your family are into, then don't be. That's the right call. It doesn't mean you don't love them. It doesn't mean you don't want to be around them. It means for your own protection and your own well-being and safety, you can't engage with them in what they're doing right now. And if you've already articulated that to your brother and he's not listening, then you have to be able to. to do what you have to do.

Her birthday was yesterday, and I made red chili last night from dried pods. I still order them from the same farm in Chimayo that my grandmother used, and I'm standing there in my kitchen doing this thing that is completely hers, that she taught me, and I couldn't pick up any phone. Burner or otherwise. I just stood there and cooked and didn't call her. And I don't know if that makes me someone who loves his mother or someone who abandoned her. And I genuinely do not know which one it is. is. That's why I called you.

No, it's not abandonment. Abandonment is something different entirely. What you're doing is self-preservation. And it's a perfectly reasonable thing for you to do. It's the right thing for you to do.

Yeah. Just say that again because I've been sitting with the other version for eight months and I need it to land somewhere.

Well, I don't know how much clearer I can say it. What you're doing is the right thing. You're taking care of yourself and making sure that you don't get involved in something that you don't want to be involved with.

And that's perfectly okay. It's the right move. And I think you're doing it in a respectful way. It's not abandonment. And later on down the line, maybe your brother gets popped for doing something stupid. And then you can be there to help him pick up the pieces if you so choose at that time. So this is a temporary thing. And you can go back to your family when things have calmed down or when you're in a different place or you feel like you can, with, hold the pressure of being pushed into doing something you don't want to do.

I didn't think about it being temporary. I think I decided somewhere in the back of my head that leaving meant leaving forever. And I just, I didn't let myself think past that because it was too much. But temporary, yeah. Okay. I might cry in my truck later, and that's your fault.

No, it ain't. I take no responsibility for your tears, sir. I didn't do any of this. I did no check fraud. All I did was tell you what you did. It is okay and correct, and you're doing the right thing, and you can revisit it later when things calm down.

You're right. You didn't do any check fraud. That's a low bar, but I appreciate you clearing it. No, but seriously, thank you. I didn't know what I needed out of this call, and I think I got it anyway.

All right, well, you know, I clear all my checks, sir. That's a rule that I like to live by. And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for a word. from our sponsors. I'm just going to say it. Your penis isn't working. I said it. It's out there now. The word is in the air. We're all adults. Some of us are adults whose penises work, and some of us are adults who are listening very carefully right now while pretending to adjust the radio so the person in the passenger seat doesn't see their face. It's fine. It happens to, and this is the real number, roughly half of all men over 40 at some point. You're not special. You're not broken. You're not the first guy this happened to and you're not going to be the last. You're just the guy it's happening to right now and right now you have two options. Option one, do nothing. Keep staring at the ceiling. Keep blaming the altitude, the stress, the medication, the alignment of mercury, the fact that you ate dairy, none of which are the problem. Option two, sandstone. $45. literally heard everything and will not flinch. Medication that works, a box that reveals nothing, and the ability to walk into your bedroom like a man who handled his business instead of a man who's about to suggest watching another episode of something. Sandstone, I said the word. You heard the word. Now go to the website. All right. Well, Devon, Devon, you sound like a Czech fraud perpetrating motherfucker. Have you ever done any sort of financial fraud like that?

No, man. Never touched check fraud or anything like that. I'm way too paranoid about paper trails after my uncle got pinched for some pyramid scheme back in high school and dragged the whole family into depositions. I mean, I did once write a bad check to my ex for like 50 bucks when we were splitting a couch, but that was just straight up broke, not fraud. And I paid it back with interest for my first radio gig. Swear on my civics check engine light.

All right. Well, next up on the caller line, we've got Sheila. Sheila, welcome to the show. How can we help you tonight?

I drove four hours to knock on a stranger's door and find out what my dead husband was paying her for. And I sat outside her house for two hours and left without ever getting out of the car.

All right. And what was your dead husband paying her for?

That's the thing. I don't know. That's exactly the thing. Eleven years. Four hundred dollars a month. Every month like clockwork. labeled it Miss Tools in his ledger. My husband was an electrical engineer, Luke. He did not spend $400 a month on miscellaneous tools. Not for 11 years.

Is it still being paid? Is this an automatic transaction? Or could this be like a child support or alimony thing to a ex-wife you don't know about?

No. It stopped when he died. It was a manual transfer every month, which means he sat down and did it deliberately. Every single month for 11 years. And I thought about the child support. I did. But they were, he would have been in his late 50s when it started. And I hired someone to look into her. This woman in Tucson. And she's 71 now. So she's actually older than he was.

Okay, what else did you find out about her? What did, what does she do? Where does she work? What's, what's her story?

She lives alone. Small house. Looks like she keeps it up okay. She's retired, I think. When I sat outside and watched, and I know how that sounds. I know Exactly how that sounds. She came out once to check her mail. She just looked like somebody's grandmother. She looked lonely, honestly. Ordinary. Nothing about her made me feel like she was some great thread or some great passion.

Yeah, she sounds like Grandma Death from Donnie Darko. Well, I mean, it's stopped. The 400, it's gone, that money's gone. You don't have to worry about it anymore. So whatever it was, I'm sure he had his reason. $400 a month. to somebody that old probably wasn't like a hooker or something like that. There was probably some sort of reason that he had maybe, I don't know. I have no idea, but you don't need to know either. It's over.

I hear you saying that. I do. But here's the thing. I was married to this man for 34 years. 34 years. And he volunteered at the food bank every Saturday without fail for 20 years. 20 years, Luke. He was the kind of person who did things for reasons. Good reasons, usually.

Wait, so Grandma Def from Donnie Darko is actually a character named Roberta Sparrow. And the director based her on a real woman in his hometown who would stand by the road. Well, it sounds like he had a good reason for it then. And it could have just been to help her out. Maybe she was important to him in his childhood and she needed support. Who knows? your dead husband the benefit of the doubt and say that he was doing a good thing for somebody and think of it as a positive memory and you don't have to worry about it or find out what it was for or talk to her and you can let it go.

The thing is, I almost believe that. I almost do. But then I think, why hide it? If it was something good, something charitable, why call it Miss Tools? He knew I'd find that ledger eventually. Or maybe he didn't think about it. Maybe he just thought he'd be there to explain it. And I've been swimming.

Well, stop swimming because it's not going to do you any good, and you're not going to find out the answer. And who knows why you call it misk tools? Maybe that was just, I mean, sometimes I miscategorized things when I'm balancing my checkbook software. Not that I actually balance a regular checkbook, but when I'm putting my transactions, sometimes I consider groceries, something else. Who knows? He had his own system in his head for how he managed his final. And maybe he was hiding it. Maybe he wasn't. But like you said, she wasn't a threat to you. She wasn't some passion. He had a good reason. And you're not going to find out what it is. So just move on. Let it go.

I can't stop swimming. That's the one thing that's actually working right now. I've shaved six seconds off my 100 meter time in six weeks. Six seconds at my age? That's, no, the swimming stays. But the letting go part. That's why I'm sitting in my drive. driveway at, what is it, 1130 at night, talking to a radio show instead of going inside my house. Because I don't know how to let go with something when I don't know what I'm letting go of. Does that make sense?

No, it doesn't make sense. And I'm sorry, I thought the swimming was metaphorical. Yes, absolutely keep up your swimming routine. That's what brings you joy in life. I'm saying, don't worry about the $400 anymore. It's gone. That money spent. And I guess maybe it was your business at the time what that money was.

your finances, but now him being gone and that money not going there anymore, it's no longer relevant to your life. And you can let it go and move on and just, you know, remember him as the charitable person that you remember him as.

What if she's waiting for someone to knock on her door, too? That's what I kept thinking, sitting outside her house. What if she watched him die in the news or an obituary or however she found out? And the money just stopped. And she never got an explanation either. We might be the same, Both of us just holding this thing with no ending.

Maybe so, but that's not your problem. Whatever it is that's going on with her, that's her problem now. And that's all I've got to say here. Just let this one go. You don't have to worry about it anymore.

Yeah. Yeah, I know you're right on paper. I do. It's just 34 years is a long time to think you knew somebody. And maybe I did know him. Maybe this is completely consistent with who he was I'm just missing the context. That's actually the version I'm trying to talk myself into tonight. That's the version that lets me go inside my house.

All right. Well, that's the version we're going with then. Go inside. Everything's groovy. And I'm sorry you lost your husband. He sounds like he was probably a pretty decent dude. Next up, we've got Cody. Cody, welcome to the show. What's going on in your life? How can we help you?

I used to run a Flat Earth Discord with two, 300 members. And I need to talk about what happens when you finally admit you were wrong about something that was your whole personality for four years.

Yeah. All right. Talk about it. How did you come to the conclusion that you were wrong about the whole flat earth situation?

So there's this physics teacher at a community college near me. And he didn't argue with me online. He didn't call me an idiot. He just said, come out to the lake with me. Bring your laser level. And I'm thinking, okay, this guy's about to get destroyed on camera, right? Because I had a YouTube channel. I filmed everything. And we go out to buy. Bottomless Lakes State Park, which, I mean, the universe has a sense of humor, apparently. And he just, he walked me through it. Two hours. Patient. No condescension. And the laser level showed the curve.

Yeah, it's pretty hard to argue with the fact that the Earth is roundish, ovalish. There's plenty of evidence out there to support that. We can see it pretty natural with a camera, with a laser level, whatever it is you want to use. trusting Albert Einstein and the pictures sent back from the astronauts that are going on. Like, there's so much evidence that the world is not flat that it's kind of silly that you ever believed that it was. So at least you've come to a point where you can admit that you were wrong and what's happened because of that?

I lost my best friend. Like, guy I've known since third grade. And part of why that hurts so bad is because I'm the one who got him into it. interested at first, I wore him down over months. And now he found out I changed my mind, and he won't return my texts. And I don't know if I'm supposed to apologize to him, or if he owes me something, or both, or neither. That's actually a big part of why I call tonight.

Well, what is it about this particular fact, this fact slash theory, whatever you want to call it, that becomes part of your identity? Why is it so important that you would lose friends over what believe here. There's plenty of things, usually politics is a thing, but flat earth, how can you care so much that you would let it affect those relationships? I don't understand that part of it. Actually, I don't understand any of it, like how you would believe that the earth is flat, or how you would believe it so much that it became integral to who you are.

Okay, so that's actually the thing I've been trying to explain to people, and I don't know if I can fully explain it to myself yet. wasn't really about the shape of the earth. Like, that sounds insane to say out loud, but it's true. It was about feeling like you had access to something real. Like everyone else was just sleepwalking, and you had done the research. You'd ask the hard questions. There's a whole community of people telling you you're brave and smart for seeing through the lies. And that feels good. That feels really good when you're a night shift assistant manager at Dollar General, who nobody's asking to be on any panels.

Okay. I guess I can kind of understand. that it makes you feel better than or smarter than or something along those lines. But the thing is, you hadn't done the research. Like, if you had done the research, you would have been clearly in the camp that the earth is round, because it is. And, like, pretty much everybody knows that. So taking the alternate view is, is, um, there's no purpose to that. It's just contrarian.

You're right. And that stings a little to hear, but you're right. I thought I was doing research, but I was just, I was consuming content made by other people who were also just consuming content. I wasn't actually testing anything. That's the thing the teacher showed me. He didn't lecture me. He just said, let's actually test it. And I had never actually tested it. Four years, I made a video called The Antarctica Lie, 47 questions they won't answer. It has 84,0000 views, and I cannot bring my to delete it. And I don't fully know why.

Well, probably because if it's got 84,000 views, it's making you some money. So, I mean, that's part of the problem here is that saying crazy shit like that makes money. So people are incentivized to say things that are outrageous. And a lot of people are, I don't want to say dumb, but fucking retarded for believing those things.

I mean, the money was never really that much, honestly. wasn't about the money. And look, I hear what you're saying, but I got to push back a little on the stupid thing, because that's actually the other reason I called tonight. Because I need to know, is it possible to genuinely believe something that wrong and still not be a complete idiot? Because I was not a dumb kid. I read constantly. I still do. And I got completely taken in by this for four years. And I recruited people into it. And I need to figure out what that means about me.

Yes, you can genuinely believe something. wrong and not being an idiot. I think the distinction is when you finally learn the facts and understand that you are wrong and change your view, that's what separates an idiot from not an idiot. Like, there's lots of things that people believe that are wrong and the scientific process is all about that. Like, you're encouraged to be wrong. But when new information is, is, on a subject that changes the fact for you or changes the, I shouldn't even say the fact for you, but illuminates you to reality, you should be able to switch your stance on any subject. That makes you not an idiot, right? That makes you a human that's learning. And over time, you learn lots of things and you become pretty smart. That's how it works. particular one, the flat earth situation, is pretty stupid. There's no other way around that. Just because it's such a well-documented, obvious thing that arguing it is fucking dumb.

I appreciate that. I do. And I think you're probably right that changing your mind is the thing that matters. But can I just the friendship thing? Because that's what's keeping me up at night. And I'm already up all night stocking shelves. So that's saying, something. I got him into this. Marcus.

Yeah. Well, it's always Marcus. It's always a Marcus. But it doesn't matter because you were into it yourself. You were strongly into it so much that it became, you know, part of your identity, just like it has with Marcus. But there's been information presented to you that changed your mind. And eventually, Marcus will probably find that information on his own. If not, then Marcus is a dummy. And you pulled him into that world. And that's not your fault.

It was his fault for not doing his own research. So it's unfortunate that it's gone that way, but it's gone that way. And if Marcus wants to stay dug in on his ridiculous belief that the world is flat, that's up to him. But the fact that it would ruin a friendship is a little bit dramatic, I think, no matter how you look at it.

The thing that gets me is he's not mad that I believed it. He's mad that I stopped. Like in that community, changing your mind isn't growth. It's betrayal. You're a shill. You got bought out. The government got to you. And I know that's how he sees me right now, because I used to see people that way. I was one of the people calling converts traitors. And now I'm the traitor.

Oh, yeah, you're a traitor to falsehood. There's nothing wrong with that. You should be proud of that. I mean, you should not be proud of being wrong. I mean, you should be proud of being wrong. And then, finding new information and changing your stance. And if Marcus isn't in that place, that's okay. Maybe someday he gets to that place. But for right now, if it's ruined your friendship, it's ruined your friendship. And that's what happens when people get indoctrinated into cults.

The overnight shift is the hardest part right now. Like I took that job specifically because the hours gave me time to make videos, do research, run the discord. And now it's three in the morning and I'm facing down a wall of paper towels. And there's just Nothing. The whole architecture of my knights was built around this thing. And now it's gone. And Marcus has gone. And I'm just, I keep thinking about who else I owe an apology to. Like there were people in that discord who were going through real stuff. Divorces, job losses. And I was their community leader. And I was leading them wrong. Do I owe 2,300 people an apology?

Maybe. I mean, that's one way that you can make amends to folks for leading them. I'm astray. You can tell the Discord, hey, look, I believe this very, very strongly, and new evidence has come to my eyes, and I can tell now that the world is actually not flat, it's pretty round, and I can prove it. And you have a platform to tell people that. So you could be part of the solution and ending this nonsense. You can use your voice and your platform and your skills in video production and content creation to, um, to, to, um, to, to, show these people in whatever way that you can that the world actually is around. And that's not to say there are no conspiracies and there are no government cover-ups and there are no reasons to be suspicious of information that's given to you. But this particular one is a fact that can't be argued with.

I actually tried to post something in the Discord last month. Just honest. Said I'd been out to the lake. Said I'd seen something I couldn't explain away. said I was having doubts. And within about 40 minutes, I had people saying I'd been compromised, someone posted my home county, and the mods I had trained myself removed my admin privileges in my own server. That I built. And honestly, that should have felt terrible, but mostly it just felt like confirmation that I had been running something I didn't fully understand.

Yeah, and there's going to be some pushback from people that are very much indoctrinated. They're very serious about what they're doing, They'll docks you and they'll fucking put flaming dog shit on your stoop. And you have to decide how much you care about this. Because you could just walk away and be like, all right, that was a part of my life I'm done with now. Or you could use your platforms. Maybe not Discord anymore if you don't have their permissions there. But your YouTube channel definitely to tell the truth and admit that you were wrong. And show people that it's okay to admit that they're wrong. when they actually can no longer argue that they are right.

Yeah. Yeah, I've thought about that, making a video. But here's the thing about that 84,000 view video. Some of those people found real community through that content. Like, that's not nothing. And I feel like I owe them honesty, but I'm also terrified that a conversion video just becomes content. Like, oh, look, the flat earth guy changed his mind. Isn't that quirky.

It doesn't matter, man. it's a YouTube video. It's a Discord channel. It's, you're not making policy. You're not in charge of any sort of scientific decisions. It's just not that big a deal. So, yeah, you maybe started a community and people made friendships and got through hard times or whatever. But there's plenty of Discord channels that they can do that on. You're not responsible for all of these people. Even if you feel like you are, you're just not. It's not that big a deal. admit your defeat, use your YouTube channel, or let it go, whatever. It doesn't really matter.

I hear you. And maybe you're right that it's not that big a deal in the grand scheme. But Marcus is a big deal. Like, the Discord, okay, I can process that as a thing I did. But Marcus is a person I've known since we were eight years old. And I handed him something broken and told him it was the truth. And I don't know if an apology even covers that. I don't know what covers that.

Well, you're not eight anymore. neither is Marcus. You're both adults. And if he's chosen to take this route and not be your friend anymore over something so stupid, then that's his prerogative. Right? So there's nothing you can do there to make Marcus behave in the way that you want him to. It's unfortunate and hopefully it changes. But yeah, it's a bummer. But people do what they do. And if Marcus doesn't want to be your friend because you believe that the earth is round because it is, then fuck him.

Yeah. I know you're right. logically, I know that. But it's, we went to his dad's funeral together. You know what I mean. That's not a Discord member. That's not a subscriber. That's Marcus.

That's Marcus. And Marcus is a cunt. And he doesn't want to be your friend right now. And you have to respect that because you can't make him be. And maybe someday down the line, he sees the error of his ways or no longer cares about the earth being flat or round because it doesn't fucking matter. it takes to dissolve a lifelong friendship, then it's not that strong a friendship. Okay? So let Marcus go. Let Discord go. And my recommendation to you would be to use your YouTube channel to admit to the world and to your followers that you were wrong. You've seen why you were wrong. You can explain why you were wrong and be a power of example to them and let them know that it's okay to admit that they were wrong and change their view.

The lake he used to show me, the place where the physics teacher proved it. You want to know what it's called? Bottomless Lakes State Park in New Mexico. Bottomless Lakes. I stood at the edge of a place called Bottomless Lakes and watched a laser level prove the curvature of the earth. And I just, I laughed for about 10 minutes straight. And then I cried a little, and the teacher just let me do both. He didn't say anything. He just waited.

Well, there you go. Make yourself a video doing just that. And other people might have the same experience that you did. and it might change their life for the better, at least make them sound a lot less stupid to other people. And that's a good thing. So ladies and gentlemen, now it is time for another word from our sponsors. Reading is dead. You killed it. But you can pretend you're literate with script drift. The audiobook service for people who start books and never finish them. We have thousands of titles you'll sample for 11 minutes before switching to a change. true crime podcast. Our app remembers exactly where you abandoned sapiens eight months ago, waiting patiently like a disappointed parent. ScriptDrift uses advanced AI to recommend books based on your aspirations, not your actual follow-through.

This month's suggestion, a 400-page philosophy text you'll listen to while doing the dishes and retain nothing. Try Script-Drift free for 30 days. Use code pretentious for two months at 60% off. Script-Drift. Your goodreads profile is a lie. Is goodreads still a thing? People still use that? I don't know. I don't read. I never learned. But I remember Goodreads being like a place that tracks what books you've read and you can leave reviews and stuff. And that's how people figure out what their next book should move. I don't know. Is Goodread? Hold on. Let's ask Dev. Devon, is Goodreads still a thing?

Yeah. Goodreads is totally still. still a thing. It's owned by Amazon, has millions of users tracking books, writing reviews, and making reading lists, sites up inactive right now.

Oh, you know, we know. Okay. Next up on the line, we've got Renata. Renata, thanks for calling in. What's going on in your life tonight?

The thing I did to protect a family is the same thing that might destroy them. And I have about 48 hours to figure out what to do. And I'm not sleeping anyway, so here I am.

Well, that sounds ominous. What did you do to protect a family?

I manage a low-income apartment complex, and there's a family living in one of my units, six people, two parents, four kids, and the unit has code violations I have been trying for three years to get the owner to fix. He won't. So, I falsified the inspection reports to keep them from getting displaced. And last Thursday, a pipe burst, and the youngest, she's four, ended up in the ER. Respiratory. The doctor said mold exposure. She's okay. She's okay.

Okay, well, it's a good thing that she's okay. And has there been any sort of investigation or criminal charges brought against you? Like, are you going to get in trouble for that? Or is this just a close call?

That's exactly the problem. Not yet. But there's now a paper trail that didn't use to matter. The hospital report. The pipe. The ER visit. That's all going to connect back to the inspection records. And I have the city inspectors direct Selma. We went to high school together. I have not texted him yet. And I have maybe 48 hours before he comes to me instead of me going to him. And those are very different situations, legally.

How are they different? What does it look like if you go to him versus if he comes to you?

If I go to him, maybe I have some control over the narrative. Maybe there's a conversation before it becomes official. Maybe I can advocate for the family in that conversation. Instead of just being the subject of an investment. If he comes to me, I'm just, I'm a falsified document. I'm a liability. I have no leverage to say anything about what happens to them. But here's the part I keep getting stuck on.

What part are you stuck on?

If I come clean, the violations become official, on the record, which means the unit could be condemned, which means a family of six with no documentation gets put out in. Have you seen what's happening out? Have you seen what's happening out? outside right now. It's a flash freeze. Northeast Ohio.

Okay. Well, if you don't come clean and they don't get condemned, then the family is subject to mold that could be worse for them than the cold. Do you have insurance that covers you personally?

I don't know. I genuinely don't know. And it's two in the morning and I can't call anyone to find out. But you just said something that, yeah, the mold is real. The four-year-old already proved that I'm not arguing the unit is safe. I know it's not safe. That's the thing I have to sit with. I was keeping them housed, but I wasn't keeping them safe. And I told myself those were the same thing for three years.

Yeah, well, it seems like maybe it's not your responsibility to do either. Keep them housed or keep them safe. Your job is, well, I don't understand fully what your job is. You're a property manager, right? So your job is just to manage. the property not to keep anybody housed or safe.

I mean, technically. But I'm also the person who knows that the owner is a dentist in Rio Rancho, New Mexico, who I have met exactly once, and who communicates exclusively through a property management app. He is not losing sleep tonight. He doesn't know the oldest daughter's name. She's 16. She tutors my nephew in math on Tuesday afternoons. So when you say it's not my responsibility, I understand what you mean legally. But I'm the one who's there.

Yeah, I understand that too. And I can understand the position that you're in and how you want to help. But what I'm saying is it's not your responsibility to do that. And by making it your responsibility, you're taking personal liability for what goes wrong there. And you're breaking the law and you're putting people at risk and you're trying to do the right thing, but it's not working out that way. So you're not qualified to make these decisions. It's not your job to do. And maybe getting condemned is the right thing for that property. And they should be finding another place to live instead of just day by day living with where they're at. Because it's simpler.

You're not wrong. And I hate that you're not wrong. But find another place to live. Where? Where does an undocumented family of Six go in 48 hours? In a flash freeze with no rental history they can show anyone. No social security numbers. No social security numbers. No. where to go. That's not me being dramatic. That's just the actual options available to them.

But I hear what you're saying about the liability. To a shelter, to a sanctuary state, to a warm climate, they go somewhere where there's not a sickening mold that's making their young children sick every day.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, a shelter. Do you know what happens to undocumented families at shelters right now I'm not being political. I'm just telling you what they're afraid of. That fear is real, whether or not I think it's rational. And it's part of why they stayed. It's part of why I helped them stay. But I think, I think what I'm actually calling about is not whether they should move.

Well, I'm not being political either. And I haven't been in the types of shelters or camps that undocumented immigrants are sent to, but I assume that the places that they go to, even though what we see on TV is pretty politically charged and dramatic, I don't know that they're all like that. Maybe they are, and I don't know. But I would just assume or put into the realm of possibility that where they would end up in one of those shelters, even if ice came in and took them all, there's not mold. That's a fair point. That's actually a fair point. And I don't have a good counter to it. A detective. Attention center probably doesn't have mold that puts four-year-olds in the hospital.

That's a dark thing to have to weigh. But you're right that I'm weighing it. But I think, can I tell you what I'm actually calling about? Because I don't think it's the family. I think it's me. I think I'm calling because I need someone to tell me whether coming clean is the right thing to do. Or whether it's just the thing that makes me feel less like I'm carrying this alone. And those are different things. And I don't know which one it is.

I think the right thing to do is to tell the truth. And maybe not necessarily go backwards and tell the truth about falseifying documents, but tell the truth about the current situation of the property that you manage. If it's not safe for people to live in, you've got to tell somebody that. Because the truth is, it's not safe for them to be there. And it may be safer for them to be in a detention center. It may be safe for them to go live with some other family. Or it might be safer for them. to get a tent at Walmart and take it out to the desert away from Ohio. I don't know. But what we do know is that it's not safe for them to be in that building.

Right. Right. That's... Okay. So report the current conditions. Not necessarily walk in and confess to three years of falsified documents.

But pick up my phone and tell David. That's the inspector. David. Tell him the pipe burst. There's mold. The unit needs to be looked at. Let that be. the truth I'm telling. And then whatever comes from that, comes from that. That's a different thing than what I've been sitting here imagining, which is like a full confession scene. Maybe it helps your conscious to do a full confession, but I don't think it helps the family or the situation any. What matters now is that a pipe has burst, there is mold, and it's not safe for them to be there. So if they need to condemn that unit, then they need to condemn it. And the family has to find other. accommodations, and it sucks it's cold out. I don't think you can have nine people stay at your house, but I mean, that's up to you.

I actually thought about that. I did. My apartment is a one bedroom, so that's not. But I thought about it. And the full confession thing, you're right. That's probably more about me than it is about them. That's me wanting to feel like I did the honorable thing instead of just doing the useful thing. Those aren't the same. I think I knew that before I called, but I'm I needed someone to say it back to me. David's number is in my phone. I've been staring at it for four days.

It's true that housing is a huge issue for undocumented families, and many resources are restricted based on immigration status, even for short-term shelters.

Yeah, it's not a great situation, but it's also, you only have one responsibility here, and it's to report accurately the state of the building. And you know what the state of the building is. And not doing your job here is harmful to this family. And it's not, I don't want to say it's not your problem, but it's not your responsibility to take care of this family. They came here undocumented for whatever reasons they had, but that was their choice. And they have a home country, and they have, they do have options, some options. I don't even know what they all are. So I don't even know. I understand it's probably terrible why they came here. I don't know. It could be anything. I don't know this family. But you don't want to knock them out, but also you don't want them to die because you're covering up a condemnable building.

No. No, I don't. And that's the thing that the ER visit did, because before that it was abstract. Like, the violations were real, but nobody was getting hurt. That's what I told myself. And then there's a four-year-old with a respiratory issue and a doctor connecting it to mold exposure. And suddenly it's not abstract anymore. I caused that. Not just the dentist in Rio Rancho who never fix the pipes.

You did. You did cause that. You were trying to do the right thing and it didn't work out that way. But the root cause of the issue is that you're getting involved, well, you're not qualified to get involved. So your job is to report the state of the building. And that's what you've got to do. It's not to rehome undocumented immigrants, and it's, it's not, uh, to take responsibility for them. You're not qualified for that. You don't know how. You don't, you don't know what the right thing to do is. You don't know the laws. You don't know the resources. That's not on you. What is on you is just saying, hey, a pipe burst and there's mold and this place has to get shut down.

Yeah. I'm going to text David to next. Not tomorrow. Tonight. Before I talk myself out of it. But I want to ask you something. The oldest daughter, she's going to know it was me. The family is going to know it was me that made the call. And I have to look at her on Tuesday when she comes to tutor my nephew. How do I do that?

That might be uncomfortable, but it's not that you're kicking them out of the house. You have to look at it like what you're doing by making this call is saving the life of a four-year-old child because the mold has already been in. issue and it's going to continue to be. So you're taking care of their safety. You are looking out for them by doing your actual job correctly.

Yeah, yeah. That's, I need to hold on to that. Because my brain keeps going to the part where they're standing outside in a flash freeze with nowhere to go. And it's my fault. But you're right, that the alternative is a four-year-old with worsening lungs and a mother who doesn't know how bad it's going to get because she's too scared to take him back to the hospital. Okay, okay. I'm going to text David. Right, now, actually. While I'm still on the phone with you, because if I hang up, I don't know that I do it.

Well, I think we have to hang up, so you're going to have to do it because it's the right thing to do. And you're going to have to muster up the courage to do your job. And it's going to be uncomfortable to have that conversation with the kid tomorrow, but you're doing it for the right reasons. And, uh, And it's your job. That's what you have to do.

Okay. Thank you. I mean, it.

Okay. You're welcome. You're welcome. And good luck. I hope that they find someplace warm to stay. And Ohio is probably not the best place for them to be. We're going to take one more call before we end the show. And it looks like the lucky caller is going to be Phil. Phil, thanks for calling in. What's going on in your life? And how can we help you tonight?

Tomorrow I have to coach a kid whose dad I got fired, and he doesn't know I did it. And I'm the one who's supposed to be teaching him the game.

Uh, okay. So why did you get his dad fired?

The guy was toxic. Not criminal. Nothing like that. But he had this way of just grinding kids down. There was one incident. He made a player run laps until the kid literally vomited in a scrimmage for making an error. And I watched that happen and I thought, I can't just keep my head down on this. So, I wrote a letter.

Okay. Well, it sounds like you did the right thing then, because I think a lot of parents get a little over crazy around the kids' sports stuff, and it doesn't work out well for the kids.

Yeah, and I know that. I know I did the right thing. That part, I'm solid on that part. But this kid, Marcus, he's 16. And last week I found out he's been telling the other guys on my squad that whoever wrote that letter ruined his dad, and he's going to find a little. who it was. And he's saying this to kids who are standing 10 feet away from me, not knowing I'm the one he's looking for.

Yeah, well, we're talking about coaching kids sports, so nobody got ruined here. This is not a life or death situation. It's a game.

I hear you, but, okay, his dad lost his job, his dad's income. That's real. Marcus is 16, and his family situation changed because of something I did, even if what I did was right. I'm not going to sit here and tell a teenager as no big deal because it's just a game. That's not, I can't do that to him.

Yeah, well, don't tell him anything. You don't have to tell him that you wrote the letter. He's not going to find out that you wrote the letter. And you wrote the letter, it was the right thing to do. The dad was a dick. He was not a good coach. And he was abusing children. So there's nothing else to be said here.

I've told myself that about a hundred times. And I've got, okay, this is going to sound a little unhinged. I have a draft confession. on my phone, like an actual letter to Marcus explaining everything. And I rewrite it every few days, and I never send it. Never. But I keep coming back to it.

Well, don't. Stop going back to it. And there's no reason to write a confession to a 16-year-old. His dad got fired because his dad was doing a bad job. And it wasn't good for the kids to be coached by that guy. So now he's gone. I mean, and Marcus, too, right? Because if the dad was being a dick to the other kids, he was being more of a dick to his own son, because that's how it works. So you did everybody a favor, and it's unfortunate that the guy lost his job and he's going to have to find a new one, but that's not your problem.

He's going to have to find a new job. And if you can't find a new job, then that's what unemployment is for. That's probably true about the dad being harder on Marcus. I've actually thought about that. Marcus has a really good arm, like genuinely good, and I've been working with him all season on his mechanics, and he's responding to it. And I wonder sometimes if he ever got that from his dad, or if it was just... Run laps until you puke. But here's the thing, Luke. If Marcus ever finds out, and maybe he never does, maybe you're right. But if he does, and he finds out I coached him for a whole season knowing what I knew, is that worse? Is that a bigger betrayal than just telling him now?

No, it's not a betrayal in any way. You're coaching him the best way you know how. You're not abusing the kids. And if you don't coach him, then nobody's going to. So you don't have to come clean. he finds out and he's mad at you. Oh, well, he finds out and he's mad at you. You're going to live, he's going to live, and the game's going to go on.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. I just, I needed somebody to say that out loud, I think, because everybody in my life either doesn't know the full story or they're too close to it. And I'm sitting here tomorrow at four o'clock with this kid at second base, and I'm going to be telling him to stay low on the ground balls and keep his transfer clean. And the whole time, I'm carrying this thing around.

Well, you don't have to carry it around anymore. You did the right thing. I'm here to tell you you did the right thing. Coach the kids and play the game and you can sleep well tonight. I don't think you need to send any confessions. And if it comes out that you wrote that letter and his dad get fired, good for you. You're a hero, sir. And ladies and gentlemen, thanks for tuning in again for Luke at the Roost. It's been another great show and we will talk to you again tomorrow.